Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
etc, etc