i have not seen/talk to my dad in 20 years

[Immociide 10+ year member]

flip side of the coin..this past Xmas i found out i have a 17 yo son who just turned 18 earlier this month.

never knew about him until then. the mother never made any contact over the years. nothing, nadda.

its hard to say what would have happened if i had known.

im married now

no other kids

full time job and in the national guard facing a 14+ month deployment VERY soon.

i have talked to the kid, but other than that i dont have time to meet him or to do any of the important stuff (paternity test, child support)

we live in different states, so its just not as simple as driving across town and meeting up with him.

so far, my kid and i are taking things slow and plan on talking/ catching up when i have the time. When i get back, we will meet and go forward.

my advice to you..

If you are going to be angry, selfish, and have an additude about him.. dont bother to contact him.

If you dont know whats going on with his life, why would you expect him to want to deal with your drama?

Go into this some what open minded. accept the fact that there may be more important things going on than you.

ya you are his kid, but he may barely know you. dont expect him to drop everything for you. try to be understanding, and accept that fact that somethign like this isnt going to work itself out overnight, or within the next week or month.

Im glad you are doing the right thing but his situation is different. His dad left him and his mom. You just didnt know. Why shouldnt he be angry? or selfish? And he should want to deal with his sons drama. He is his son after all.

To OP from an outside view you already have done more than your job by contacting him. Not to mention your mom did the dirty work from the beginning and not him. He shouldve been the one to try and contact you not the other way around.

Honestly im not sure if i wouldve contacted him or not. If i did and it went the way you described i would not contact him any further. He needs to be a man and come and see you regardless of how busy he may be. On the flipside, he may just have a ****** boss that wouldnt hesitate to fire him for disobeying an order. In that case he still needs to call you on his day off or go to meet you.

 

[Pimpdaddyq 10+ year member]

Slightly different situation, but my Fiance just finally contacted her biological mom about 2 years ago (she was adopted from birth) but obviously was always curious.. Her biological dad disappeared the day he found out her mom was pregnant, and still to this day she has no idea about him. Her biological mom though, is very cool but is a 20yr old in a 40yr olds body.. No druggie or anything but in the end she realized what she has in her life now is what matters and wouldn't trade it for the world. It gave her some closure I guess you could say, but also helped her realize that although she wasn't wanted in the start, she's wanted more, by better people, now..

I havent read the past page or two, but I think you should do what you feels best. Could be for the better, and might stop you from thinking anything different about him. Good luck with whatever happens man.

 

[Pimpdaddyq 10+ year member]

Apologize, dbl post..

 

[bigbangtheory 5,000+ posts]

I say take the chance to see what happens. Who know what may come from it. It might be some wasted time, or it may be for good reason why all of a sudden he popped up. I mean he must be curious as to what is going on in your life or your moms, rather good or bad, I has no idea....

Hopefully it is for the better.

This coming from someone who has 2 kids and 2 stepdaughters who you have shat on before talking ill will about too. See how a mature adult can act.

Hopefully you come back from your ban...again a changed person.

Good luck with the father thing. Need to work on the dad part now......