Got Jokes? Post'em here!

[saj21187 10+ year member]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's *****! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's ***** as well! THAT B*TCH!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

 

[saj21187 10+ year member]

This one is really wrong, but owell.

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?

A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

 

[Jameseypoo 5,000+ posts]

***.

I don't understand how you can always come up with such witty comments. Mind boggling really.

 

[ThomasG 5,000+ posts]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.""Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's *****! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's ***** as well! THAT B*TCH!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

My fav so far

 

[Calikid 5,000+ posts]

I ate a Brownie once...................

 

[TheBaron929 10+ year member]

My fav so far

agreed - tis a good'un

 

[SuperTrooper 10+ year member]

A cowboy was riding his horse through the open plains, when all of a sudden a group of indians surrounded him and took him prisoner. They took him back to their reservation and threw him into a teepee. The chief comes along and tells the cowboy: Hey cowboy in 3 days I'm going to scalp you, kill you and set you on fire. You have any last wishes? Cowboy says hell yea, I wanna talk to my horse. Chief say OK. So the indians stick the horses head into the teepee and the cowboy whispers real softly into the horses ear, then all of a sudden the horse takes off running.

A few hours later the horse returns with this beautiful blonde and she goes into the teepee for a little while, comes out and gets back on the horse and rides away. The next day the chief returns and says, cowboy tomorrow you gonna die, any last request? Cowboy replies, hell yea, I wanna talk to my **** horse again. Chief replies Ok, your wish. So the indians stick the horses head into the teepee again, then the cowboy whispers into the horses ear ever so softly, then the horse takes off running again. This time the horse returns with this beautiful red head and she goes into the teepee for a couple hours. She then climbs on the horse and she leaves.

Next morning the chief comes to the teepee and tells the cowbow, well cowboy your time is almost up, you have one last request whats it gonna be. Cowboy replies well chief I would like to talk to my god #$%^$ horse one more time. Chief says OK. So the indians stick the horses head into the teepee. The cowboy then grabs that horse by its head and stares right into the eyes of his horse and says at the top of his voice, are you deaf? read my lips, I said go get the posse, get the posse.

 

[Savstyle 10+ year member]

So theres a air plane full of people flying over the ocean. And they lose an engine, so the captain tell the flight attendent for dump the luggauge. So there cruisin along and they lose the other engine. So the captain get on the intercome and tells the people whats going on. Well he figures the only way to lose weight is to dump people off. So he thinks the only fair way to do this is to go alphebetical. so first hes says "will all the african american people jump off" noone jumps. So he say "will all the black people jump off the plane" again noone jumps. He says "ok will all the colored people jump off" again noone jumps off. A lil kid loook at his dad and says " daddy were black how come we didnt jump off?" The father says" because son today were n!ggers

lil racist but funny, if i broke rules mods lemme know

 

[docutech 10+ year member]

This one is really wrong, but owell.
Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?

A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

YEs. that is just plain WRONG!

LOL tho!

 

[docutech 10+ year member]

My fav so far

Good one fo 'sho!

 

[jonnybusa 10+ year member]

i have prolly hundreds...but most dirty....here's one.......

A **** walks into a deli.

He says..."can I have a stick of salami?"

The cashier says.."do ya want that sliced?"

The **** says.."what do you think my *** is, a piggy bank?!!"

 

[4runnercrazy 10+ year member]

Women's Rights

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

Q: Why do midgets laugh when they run?

A: Because the grass tickles their nuts.

 

[CRAZYCORNUTS18 10+ year member]

Q: Why do midgets laugh when they run?A: Because the grass tickles their nuts.

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif :laugh:

 

[jmanpc 5,000+ posts]

A man walks into a bar, and looks across the room and sees a man who looks like Hitler. So, out of curiosity, he sits down next to the man at the bar and says "I know this sounds rude and stuff, but I couldn't help but notice that you bear a striking resemblance to Adolf Hitler" The man looks at him and replies "Well, sir, I am indeed Adolf Hitler." The man, astounded said "I thought you killed yourself in your bunker" "No, that was made up so that people would think I was dead. I still have a plan to kill all the Jews! But first, I will kill a pizza delivery boy!" Confused, the man asked "Why would you kill a pizza boy?" "I KNEW NO ONE CARED ABOUT THE JEWS"