If there’s something that never fails to annoy me, it’s bumper stickers. What a ****ing eyesore. I hate them all with a passion. First there are the retarded ones, like, “Jesus Loves Me.” Who the hell are you to tell Jesus who he loves? “Baby On Board” is another example. In fact, that one’s probably the mother of all pointless bumper stickers. Then there are the fantastically annoying ones like, “If U Kiss Me, U Pay” which just makes me want to slam into the dude’s car at lightning speed just to watch the bastard’s head hit the steering wheel and split in half.
And then there are those that say, “We are the proud parents of an honor student at Franklin High School”, or whatever innocent-sounding name has been assigned to the indoctrination center where your child has been sent to be stripped of his individuality and turned into an obedient, soul-dead, conformist member of the American consumer culture. Proud parents? What kind of empty people need to validate themselves through the achievements of their children? It just makes me wonder what goes on in such households. I picture something like:
“How’s that science project coming along, Justin?”
“**** you, dad. You simple-minded prick. Mind your own business and pass the Cheerios.”
But I digress. Anyway here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car”. Or, “We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teacher’s attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters.”
Or here’s something realistic: “We have a daughter in public school who hasn’t been knocked up yet”. Or, “We have a son in public school who hasn’t shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus, he knocked up your daughter”. Then there are the people who aren’t too proud of their children: “We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nitwit who at the age of 10 not only continues to wet the bed, but also shits on the school bus”. Something like that on the back of a car might give the kid a little more incentive and get him to try a little harder next semester.
