Papermaker85
- Thread Starter
- #32
If Stephen Hawking is right about Earth's end, keep an eye on the deer - Chicago Tribune
It seems we're all going to die fairly soon, but before that happens, we need to kill all the deer.
I'll get to the deer killing in a moment, but first let me expand on our impending and unfortunate demise.
Stephen Hawking, the famed theoretical physicist, predicts that humankind has about 100 years to find a new planet. A promotion for a BBC documentary he appears in notes: "With climate change, overdue asteroid strikes, epidemics and population growth, our own planet is increasingly precarious."
Nothing worse for a planet than being overdue for an asteroid strike.
While Hawking is undoubtedly more intelligent than I are — I'm more of a theoretical journalist — other recent news has led me to believe that 100 years is too generous. I'm thinking we'll be lucky to make it through next week.
First off, in case you haven't noticed, we have an uncomfortably large number of world leaders who are: a) erratic narcissists; and b) armed with nuclear weapons.
We're all one poorly timed joke about Kim Jong Un's haircut away from becoming charred meatloaf.
In addition to that, there's a 2,000-square-mile hunk of ice about to break off the Antarctic Peninsula. The Larsen C ice shelf already had a 110-mile crack in it, but last week, scientists announced the crack now has a second branch.
Before long, a piece of ice the size of Rhode Island will be adrift and sea levels might rise because the ice shelf was keeping ice from nearby glaciers from sliding into the water.
The nukes and the asteroids and the giant icebergs and the epidemics and the oceans enveloping us all sound bad enough. But the universe is also trying to kill us on a more up-close and personal level.
We know that if we don't exercise we're either going to die or not be ready for bathing suit season, two equally terrifying fates.
But now we learn that the gym where we get our exercise might also be deadly, thanks to the unspeakable filth left behind by grotesque fellow gym goers.
The fitness equipment rating website FitRated.com — it's where I go to research workout equipment I buy and never use — had a laboratory evaluate swabs from treadmills, exercise bikes and free weights at three different chain gyms.
Here's what was found: "The average exercise bike harbors 39 times more bacteria than a cafeteria tray. Typical free weights have 362 times more germs than a toilet seat. And the treadmill you're running on averages 74 times more bacteria than a typical public bathroom faucet."
Cool.
Knowing that most of us bring our phones to the gym, it's a good bet we're hauling all those germs home with us and our fingers should be quarantined in infectious disease tents.
A safer workout would be to just do pushups in a bus station restroom and then jog off a cliff.
Anyhoo, death is all but certain, so let me get to the part about murdering the deer.
For starters, I have never trusted deer. Their innocent, wide-eyed adorableness shtick always struck me as a cover for something sinister.
When I saw "Bambi," I hoped for a sequel — one where the hunter comes back to finish the job.
Turns out my gut was right. A recent article in Popular Science revealed that forensic scientists recorded the "first known evidence of a deer scavenging human bones."
The researchers were doing a study where they leave a human corpse in the woods to monitor how it decays and gets picked away at by various woodland creatures.
Let's pause a moment and consider the conversation that led to that corpse being volunteered:
"Hey Grandpa, what should we do with your body after you die?"
"Scatter my ashes in the ocean."
"Sure thing, Gramps! I definitely won't sell your corpse to scientists who want to plunk it in the forest and watch it get eaten!"
What a legacy.
A camera was trained on the corpse and what the researchers saw will forever change how you view deer. From the Popular Science report: "On Jan. 5, 2015, the camera caught a glimpse of a young white-tailed deer standing near the skeleton with a human rib bone in its mouth. Then it happened again on Jan. 13 — the camera caught a deer with another rib sticking out of its mouth like a cigar."
Like a cigar?!?!
These allegedly skittish mammals are just biding their time, waiting for us to kick the bucket so they can munch on our delicious ribs.
If death is around the corner — and it most certainly is — I'm ready to meet my maker, but I'll be darned if I'm going to let some bloodthirsty buck feast on my remains like a four-legged slob at a rib buffet.
No, we need to strike first and preserve the sanctity of our soon-to-be irradiated or gym-disease-ridden corpses. I want every deer dead as soon as possible.
Every human should be eating venison around the clock. You too, vegans. You're going to have to **** this one up for the team.
There can be no deer left when we are wiped out by giant slabs of ice or space rocks or whatever. Because if there are, those furry forest monsters will be licking their smug chops, prancing around with our rib bones in their mouths, knowing they pulled off a con for the ages.
Bambi, indeed.
It seems we're all going to die fairly soon, but before that happens, we need to kill all the deer.
I'll get to the deer killing in a moment, but first let me expand on our impending and unfortunate demise.
Stephen Hawking, the famed theoretical physicist, predicts that humankind has about 100 years to find a new planet. A promotion for a BBC documentary he appears in notes: "With climate change, overdue asteroid strikes, epidemics and population growth, our own planet is increasingly precarious."
Nothing worse for a planet than being overdue for an asteroid strike.
While Hawking is undoubtedly more intelligent than I are — I'm more of a theoretical journalist — other recent news has led me to believe that 100 years is too generous. I'm thinking we'll be lucky to make it through next week.
First off, in case you haven't noticed, we have an uncomfortably large number of world leaders who are: a) erratic narcissists; and b) armed with nuclear weapons.
We're all one poorly timed joke about Kim Jong Un's haircut away from becoming charred meatloaf.
In addition to that, there's a 2,000-square-mile hunk of ice about to break off the Antarctic Peninsula. The Larsen C ice shelf already had a 110-mile crack in it, but last week, scientists announced the crack now has a second branch.
Before long, a piece of ice the size of Rhode Island will be adrift and sea levels might rise because the ice shelf was keeping ice from nearby glaciers from sliding into the water.
The nukes and the asteroids and the giant icebergs and the epidemics and the oceans enveloping us all sound bad enough. But the universe is also trying to kill us on a more up-close and personal level.
We know that if we don't exercise we're either going to die or not be ready for bathing suit season, two equally terrifying fates.
But now we learn that the gym where we get our exercise might also be deadly, thanks to the unspeakable filth left behind by grotesque fellow gym goers.
The fitness equipment rating website FitRated.com — it's where I go to research workout equipment I buy and never use — had a laboratory evaluate swabs from treadmills, exercise bikes and free weights at three different chain gyms.
Here's what was found: "The average exercise bike harbors 39 times more bacteria than a cafeteria tray. Typical free weights have 362 times more germs than a toilet seat. And the treadmill you're running on averages 74 times more bacteria than a typical public bathroom faucet."
Cool.
Knowing that most of us bring our phones to the gym, it's a good bet we're hauling all those germs home with us and our fingers should be quarantined in infectious disease tents.
A safer workout would be to just do pushups in a bus station restroom and then jog off a cliff.
Anyhoo, death is all but certain, so let me get to the part about murdering the deer.
For starters, I have never trusted deer. Their innocent, wide-eyed adorableness shtick always struck me as a cover for something sinister.
When I saw "Bambi," I hoped for a sequel — one where the hunter comes back to finish the job.
Turns out my gut was right. A recent article in Popular Science revealed that forensic scientists recorded the "first known evidence of a deer scavenging human bones."
The researchers were doing a study where they leave a human corpse in the woods to monitor how it decays and gets picked away at by various woodland creatures.
Let's pause a moment and consider the conversation that led to that corpse being volunteered:
"Hey Grandpa, what should we do with your body after you die?"
"Scatter my ashes in the ocean."
"Sure thing, Gramps! I definitely won't sell your corpse to scientists who want to plunk it in the forest and watch it get eaten!"
What a legacy.
A camera was trained on the corpse and what the researchers saw will forever change how you view deer. From the Popular Science report: "On Jan. 5, 2015, the camera caught a glimpse of a young white-tailed deer standing near the skeleton with a human rib bone in its mouth. Then it happened again on Jan. 13 — the camera caught a deer with another rib sticking out of its mouth like a cigar."
Like a cigar?!?!
These allegedly skittish mammals are just biding their time, waiting for us to kick the bucket so they can munch on our delicious ribs.
If death is around the corner — and it most certainly is — I'm ready to meet my maker, but I'll be darned if I'm going to let some bloodthirsty buck feast on my remains like a four-legged slob at a rib buffet.
No, we need to strike first and preserve the sanctity of our soon-to-be irradiated or gym-disease-ridden corpses. I want every deer dead as soon as possible.
Every human should be eating venison around the clock. You too, vegans. You're going to have to **** this one up for the team.
There can be no deer left when we are wiped out by giant slabs of ice or space rocks or whatever. Because if there are, those furry forest monsters will be licking their smug chops, prancing around with our rib bones in their mouths, knowing they pulled off a con for the ages.
Bambi, indeed.
Last edited by a moderator:
adulbrich
5,000+ posts
Olive oil un-virginer
North Korea doesn't have enough nuclear power to destroy the whole united states. They would just target big cities, mainly in the West. Everyone on the forum, get the heck out of California and take some other decent people with you. After that, I could care less if Cali got nuked. Less libs :shrug: //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif
That's why i have all the weight equipment at home. Gyms are nasty.
Also, please go on about the deer. Somebody I know was talking about a DNR officer who they knew went to the Chicago area to shoot as many deer as he could.
EDIT: Just read the rest of the article you linked... completely unrelated to what I was thinking. Thought it had to do with a disease or extreme overpopulation of deer in the area.
adulbrich
5,000+ posts
Olive oil un-virginer
What do you love? The climate and beaches are probably nice, but.....
The majority of the citizens?
adulbrich
5,000+ posts
Olive oil un-virginer
Also, lulz at this article i found by accident where a bunch of people protested because no black actors won Oscar's //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/rotflol.gif.b453361716769b8110ddefc85ff03cd2.gif
http://gnnliberia.com/2016/02/29/protesters-say-oscars-failed-to-represent-multitude-of-talent/
Fuck all the bullshit protests/riots these past few years. It's easy spending all day marching around with a sign and yelling if you don't have a job.....
http://gnnliberia.com/2016/02/29/protesters-say-oscars-failed-to-represent-multitude-of-talent/
Fuck all the bullshit protests/riots these past few years. It's easy spending all day marching around with a sign and yelling if you don't have a job.....
Papermaker85
5,000+ posts
Banned
that's the point people like me have to pay there fuckking food and rent so they can degrade people like me. i pay ruffly 20 grand in taxes a year for those fucktards
Boomin_tahoe
5,000+ posts
Hurtin' feelings errrday.
[quote name='Slo_Ride']My brother from another mother, Stephen Hawking, says that we only have 100 years left to find another planet to live on.
Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking has long held that humans only have 100 years to find a new planet. This summer, he will present his theory in a BBC documentary.
According to the BBC, the documentary "Stephen Hawking: Expedition New Earth" will air as part of its Tomorrow’s World season and will explore Hawking's theory that "isn’t as fantastical as it sounds."
For years, the 74-year-old genius has warned that threats including climate change, destruction from nuclear war and genetically engineered viruses put humankind in grave danger.
"Professor Stephen Hawking thinks the human species will have to populate a new planet within 100 years if it is to survive," the BBC said in a statement posted online. "With climate change, overdue asteroid strikes, epidemics and population growth, our own planet is increasingly precarious."
"In this landmark series, Expedition New Earth, he enlists engineering expert Danielle George and his own former student, Christophe Galfard, to find out if and how humans can reach for the stars and move to different planets."
While Hawking holds fast to his theory, he says there is still hope if humans can find a way to colonize another planet.
“We must also continue to go into space for the future of humanity,” Hawking said during a 2016 speech at Britain’s Oxford University Union.
“Although the chance of a disaster on planet Earth in a given year may be quite low, it adds up over time, becoming a near certainty in the next thousand or ten thousand years...by that time we should have spread out into space, and to other stars, so it would not mean the end of the human race" Hawking said.
Hawking's prediction has drastically changed since November, when he predicted that we had at least 1,000 years before we need to pack up and get off the planet we've always called home.
https://weather.com/science/space/news/stephen-hawking-100-years-new-planet-earth
@Boomin_tahoe is gonna love this![/QUOTE]
Funny you mention this article. It struck my curiosity as well and read a little bit of it when it was advertised on MSN a few days ago. There's no way were looking for another planet. It would take too long to find one sustainable for humans to live on and very costly. 100 years...i'll be gone by then and so will most of the people living today so it wouldn't matter.
Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking has long held that humans only have 100 years to find a new planet. This summer, he will present his theory in a BBC documentary.
According to the BBC, the documentary "Stephen Hawking: Expedition New Earth" will air as part of its Tomorrow’s World season and will explore Hawking's theory that "isn’t as fantastical as it sounds."
For years, the 74-year-old genius has warned that threats including climate change, destruction from nuclear war and genetically engineered viruses put humankind in grave danger.
"Professor Stephen Hawking thinks the human species will have to populate a new planet within 100 years if it is to survive," the BBC said in a statement posted online. "With climate change, overdue asteroid strikes, epidemics and population growth, our own planet is increasingly precarious."
"In this landmark series, Expedition New Earth, he enlists engineering expert Danielle George and his own former student, Christophe Galfard, to find out if and how humans can reach for the stars and move to different planets."
While Hawking holds fast to his theory, he says there is still hope if humans can find a way to colonize another planet.
“We must also continue to go into space for the future of humanity,” Hawking said during a 2016 speech at Britain’s Oxford University Union.
“Although the chance of a disaster on planet Earth in a given year may be quite low, it adds up over time, becoming a near certainty in the next thousand or ten thousand years...by that time we should have spread out into space, and to other stars, so it would not mean the end of the human race" Hawking said.
Hawking's prediction has drastically changed since November, when he predicted that we had at least 1,000 years before we need to pack up and get off the planet we've always called home.
https://weather.com/science/space/news/stephen-hawking-100-years-new-planet-earth
@Boomin_tahoe is gonna love this![/QUOTE]
Funny you mention this article. It struck my curiosity as well and read a little bit of it when it was advertised on MSN a few days ago. There's no way were looking for another planet. It would take too long to find one sustainable for humans to live on and very costly. 100 years...i'll be gone by then and so will most of the people living today so it wouldn't matter.
adulbrich
5,000+ posts
Olive oil un-virginer
Yeah, I hate people who live off welfare, but have time to go protest
Unless there are huge advancements in light travel or some sort of wormhole there is no way any sort of mass settlement is going to another planet in 100 years
So the temperature raises 20*, earth is still better off than ANY planet/moon in our solar system.
So either buckle up for the ride or kiss your *** good bye
Also on climate change my boss was talking me about an article he read that NASA has tracked the temperature rise on earth and it has been proportional to every other planet in our solar system
So if earth raises 1* all the other planets see some kind of rise in temperature proportional to what is happening on earth
I would have to look for the article as I didn't read it but food for thoight
So the temperature raises 20*, earth is still better off than ANY planet/moon in our solar system.
So either buckle up for the ride or kiss your *** good bye
Also on climate change my boss was talking me about an article he read that NASA has tracked the temperature rise on earth and it has been proportional to every other planet in our solar system
So if earth raises 1* all the other planets see some kind of rise in temperature proportional to what is happening on earth
I would have to look for the article as I didn't read it but food for thoight
Hertz Mafia
FEATHER RUFFLER
//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif I swear before I've typed almost the same thing to papermaker hahahaha it's the truth.
Papermaker85
5,000+ posts
Banned
killer part is i don't mind paying for good cause but this is the FuCkSes we are paying for. its a joke. I tried to file exempt and they STILL took out. i was pisssed.
i haven't paid one red cent for healthcare since that fucinging idiot made it a mandate. they took like 2% but my premiums Tripled for anything remotely decent.
i used to pay 130 a month for great coverage. now its 220 for 6500 dollar deductible.
im anti government anti political and im probably full of **** but im really hoping that these people just where going to **** us for a few years and not make hte mandate permanent. looks like the current administration might have gotten the go ahead to not **** us so hard
adulbrich
5,000+ posts
Olive oil un-virginer
Ok, then let socal get nuked by Korea
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