Divorced Crew?

[brandon_s0854 10+ year member]

Denim, thanks for that. I guess I go into these things thinking my situation will be different. I assume most people do. I am curious what causes that breakdown? Is it that one partner just stops trying?

Man, there so many reasons it's ridiculous. There's no way to safeguard against all of them. Usually the final straw is when one person stops trying, but there are always a large sequence of events that lead up to that. I feel like I may be giving too much of a negative view here based on my history, so I'm going to stop commenting. lol

 

[Flipx99 5,000+ posts]

If you feel you shouldn't get married, THEN DON'T. From my experience, and I'm not sure why, but marriages tend to be much more successful when it is the man's idea. I believe that's discussed a bit in that link I posted.

The link was blocked at work. I will check it out later.

The #1 thing you need to do if haven't already is **** her off I mean really **** her off on purpose , push her hard on something that is a hot button issue and see how she reacts , you need to know is she going to fight back is she going to run if so who or what will she run to , marriage can test both of you further than you can ever imagine , I can push people around a lot , I couldn't have married someone that could not hold there on, it just wouldn't have worked , everybodys different you just need to know how she going to react in the worst of situations because that is when the true colors come out .

I see what you mean. We have both done that and it has led to mistakes we both regret and we have learned that those choices won't work. I feel confident they won't be repeated. I think we do great on the big issues (money, kids, religion, inlaws). What we do poorly with is the other person meeting each other's emotional needs. She is insecure and constantly needs to feel validated and I don't do a very good job of that. Conversely, when I am having a bad day, I just want to be left alone for me to sort things out. She says the source of this insecurity is because she doesn't feel confident that we'll get married and that sort of thing and that if I showed my commitment through action, such as engagement, then she would feel more confident in us and the "needyness" would go away.

 

---------- Post added at 10:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:33 AM ----------

 

Man, there so many reasons it's ridiculous. There's no way to safeguard against all of them. Usually the final straw is when one person stops trying, but there are always a large sequence of events that lead up to that. I feel like I may be giving too much of a negative view here based on my history, so I'm going to stop commenting. lol

Well, I was looking for the negatives. And thus far, everyone has given them in an objectionable way.

 

[Sleeklsc 5,000+ posts]

If she's messy now it'll only get worse. If that bothers you and it's something that you absolutely cannot stand than gtfo. But if everything good outways the little annoying things than I say go for it. My ex was messy and I couldn't stand it. It's not what ended it but it was certaintly on the list of "Things I hate about you". I'm so very glad it's over.

 

[Flipx99 5,000+ posts]

Reason why this is an issue is that her little sister is getting engaged on Friday and she is feeling bad about her situation. I told my gf I will bet her $500 to $5 that they won't get married.

 

---------- Post added at 10:38 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:38 AM ----------

 

If she's messy now it'll only get worse. If that bothers you and it's something that you absolutely cannot stand than gtfo. But if everything good outways the little annoying things than I say go for it. My ex was messy and I couldn't stand it. It's not what ended it but it was certaintly on the list of "Things I hate about you". I'm so very glad it's over.

That's the thing. It's not a deal breaker, but it creates resentment. I fear that resentment will just grow and grow. I know I am not perfect either.

 

[brandon_s0854 10+ year member]

That's the thing. It's not a deal breaker, but it creates resentment. I fear that resentment will just grow and grow. I know I am not perfect either.

Yes, yes, and yes. It will grow on both sides. Her resentment for you not attending to her emotional needs, and your resentment for her messiness and whatever else. These are issues that should be 100% resolved before marriage. Food for thought, have you ever heard anyone say an issue just went away after being married? I know I haven't. In fact, it's usually the opposite.

 

[Sleeklsc 5,000+ posts]

Reason why this is an issue is that her little sister is getting engaged on Friday and she is feeling bad about her situation. I told my gf I will bet her $500 to $5 that they won't get married. 

---------- Post added at 10:38 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:38 AM ----------

 

That's the thing. It's not a deal breaker, but it creates resentment. I fear that resentment will just grow and grow. I know I am not perfect either.

Whatever you do don't let her pressure you into it. If you're not ready it'll be destined to fail.

 

[denim 5,000+ posts]

Denim, thanks for that. I guess I go into these things thinking my situation will be different. I assume most people do. I am curious what causes that breakdown? Is it that one partner just stops trying?

From the years on here together, you know me well enough and know I do my best to be objective. I don't like being the bearer of bad news, or one of negative perspective, as that is not normally me. I honestly wish a number of people, or at least one person, sat me down and talked me through the tremendous risk and damage if what I was about to do went wrong. In a way, I knew plenty of friends that I grew up with, that were children of divorced parents. I cannot say there is a single one that came out smoothly that does not have long lasting or semi-permanent damage from the divorce.

 

From your posts, I understand that a child is not in the picture now, but the potential for one not long after marriage is VERY high. Way too many friends etc. have been under serious pressure to have a child not long after the marriage, and that destroys so many relationships. The consistent downfall of that idea, is that so few marriages now, have time to grow and develop as a married couple and enjoy that stage of life, as those usually are the best years of the relationship.

 

As for the cause of the break down, there is no one golden answer as it varies from one to the next. The best advice I can give you is to NOT rush anything, and weight your options on the grand scale. Financially, do everything to can to control your finances both before and during, with the thought process of how they would work if things went south. On a side note, I know of a number of unmarried couples that have been together a VERY long time. If you do decide to get married, I wish you all the luck possible.

 

[will3 10+ year member]

The link was blocked at work. I will check it out later.


I see what you mean. We have both done that and it has led to mistakes we both regret and we have learned that those choices won't work. I feel confident they won't be repeated. I think we do great on the big issues (money, kids, religion, inlaws). What we do poorly with is the other person meeting each other's emotional needs. She is insecure and constantly needs to feel validated and I don't do a very good job of that. Conversely, when I am having a bad day, I just want to be left alone for me to sort things out. She says the source of this insecurity is because she doesn't feel confident that we'll get married and that sort of thing and that if I showed my commitment through action, such as engagement, then she would feel more confident in us and the "needyness" would go away.

 

---------- Post added at 10:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:33 AM ----------

 

Well, I was looking for the negatives. And thus far, everyone has given them in an objectionable way.

I'm not a counsler or anything , but those insecurities won't go away with a title , there only going to get worse , it can' t be your job to make her happy you can be part of that happiness , both of you have to find how to be content on your on, the sooner you get her to understand there is no fairy tale and you aren' t a price and she's not a princess the closer you will come to long term success in a relationship

I not trying to be an *** , life can be very hard and people are unpredictable there are no guarantees you just have to be prepared to handle what ever life throws at you

But don't be scared if you think shes the one marry her , it may end bad or it maybe the best thing you ever did

Don' t over think it bro you know when its time

 

[Flipx99 5,000+ posts]

As far as kids, I'd like them about 6 months after marriage. I am 28 now and have been pressured from my mom for kids since my friends started bringing them home at 16.

She agrees more with you about enjoying some time together after marriage before kids. I was thinking 6 months, she was thinking a year.

Part of the pressure is that I am feeling old and I need to so something, or that I am supposed to anyways. It's more of an external pressure than an internal pressure.

 

[brandon_s0854 10+ year member]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Good advice

Ah ****, you beat me Flip.

 

[denim 5,000+ posts]

As far as kids, I'd like them about 6 months after marriage. I am 28 now and have been pressured from my mom for kids since my friends started bringing them home at 16.
She agrees more with you about enjoying some time together after marriage before kids. I was thinking 6 months, she was thinking a year.

Part of the pressure is that I am feeling old and I need to so something, or that I am supposed to anyways. It's more of an external pressure than an internal pressure.

Please wait a longer to have kids.

 

[Flipx99 5,000+ posts]

Currently, I don't think it's time.

For those who may have been "scared" beforehand, did you evolve into feeling the right thing, was it sudden, or what? I am curious if I am going to feel different in 5 months and if so, what is going to prompt that change in feelings?

 

---------- Post added at 11:02 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:02 AM ----------

 

Please wait a longer to have kids.

Longer than a year?

 

[brandon_s0854 10+ year member]

Currently, I don't think it's time.For those who may have been "scared" beforehand, did you evolve into feeling the right thing, was it sudden, or what? I am curious if I am going to feel different in 5 months and if so, what is going to prompt that change in feelings?

 

IMO, it's all about communication. Tell her how you're feeling and what needs to be fixed before you feel comfortable making a life-long commitment. I highly doubt it will be an all-of-a-sudden change in your mindset. If you're making progress in correcting the little issues that you have, eventually you'll feel comfortable making that commitment.

 

[orphe 10+ year member]

Currently, I don't think it's time.
For those who may have been "scared" beforehand, did you evolve into feeling the right thing, was it sudden, or what? I am curious if I am going to feel different in 5 months and if so, what is going to prompt that change in feelings?

 

---------- Post added at 11:02 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:02 AM ----------

 

Longer than a year?

HELL yea longer than a year. Say around 3-5. you guys need to enjoy yourselves during that time.