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A guy walks on the street and sees a beautiful young woman with the most perfect breast. He stops her and says "Would you let me bite your breast for $100 ?" The women insulted replies "I am not one of those women" and takes off.
He runs around the block to see her again and cannot resist asking her "Would you let me bite your breast for $1000 ?" Again she takes off all insulted.
He has to see her again, this time he says" Would you let me bite your breast for $10,000 ?" She thinks about it for a minute and says "follow me in this dark alley." There she opens her blouse and he starts caressing them, grabbing them, kissing them. He then puts his face between them. A bit annoyed she says "Aren't you going to bite my breast?"
And the guy says" Nope, too expensive."
He runs around the block to see her again and cannot resist asking her "Would you let me bite your breast for $1000 ?" Again she takes off all insulted.
He has to see her again, this time he says" Would you let me bite your breast for $10,000 ?" She thinks about it for a minute and says "follow me in this dark alley." There she opens her blouse and he starts caressing them, grabbing them, kissing them. He then puts his face between them. A bit annoyed she says "Aren't you going to bite my breast?"
And the guy says" Nope, too expensive."
A chick walks into the doctor's office yelling doctor, doctor I have a problem and I can't figure out what's wrong... The doctor replied, well tell me what's going on. The chick says well look.. if I touch my nose, OUCH! it hurts.... when I touch my knee OUCH it hurts... and when I thought my stomach OUCH it hurts.... the doctors says.. I think I know whats wrong.... are you a natural blond? The chick says why yes, so do you know what's wrong with me? The doctor says..yeah Your finger is broken.
A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers ***** under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?
When I say I'm Broke...I'm Broke
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady.
"I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady.
"I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharg e your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now"
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharg e your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now"
Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.
To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream! The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."
To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream! The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."
Q: Why doesn't Jesus own any boats?
A: Because he can fucking walk on water.
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg always drink pop?
A: Because he likes the fizzle.
Q: How to you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a red elephant?
A: Choke it until it turns blue, then kill it with a blue elephant gun.
A: Because he can fucking walk on water.
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg always drink pop?
A: Because he likes the fizzle.
Q: How to you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a red elephant?
A: Choke it until it turns blue, then kill it with a blue elephant gun.
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him ***** in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
"Shut up," she says. "You're next."
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him ***** in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
"Shut up," she says. "You're next."
A pair of newlyweds, smiling and giggling, check into their lakeside hotel. As the night clerk hands over the key, he gives the groom a wink.
Half an hour later, the clerk is surprised to see the guy in full fishing gear with tackle headed out the front door.
Unable to hold his astonishment, the clerk asks "Excuse me sir, but didn't you just check in?"
"Yes" the man answers.
"And isn't this your wedding night?"
"That's right."
"I don't mean to be forward," says the clerk, "but shouldn't you be upstairs doing what all newly married couples do?"
"Unfortunately, no," replies the man "my bride has gonorrhea."
"I'm sorry about that," the clerk says, "but you can still have fun. You know, oral ***."
"Not that either," he answers, "she also has a gum disease, pyorrhea."
"Oh, I see." The clerk looks around the lobby, then whispers "Well, how about...well...anal ***?"
"The new husband says "Again, no. She also has diarrhea."
Exasperated, the clerk blurts out "Why the hell did you marry her then?"
"Well," says the guy, "she also has worms, and I just love to fish!"
Half an hour later, the clerk is surprised to see the guy in full fishing gear with tackle headed out the front door.
Unable to hold his astonishment, the clerk asks "Excuse me sir, but didn't you just check in?"
"Yes" the man answers.
"And isn't this your wedding night?"
"That's right."
"I don't mean to be forward," says the clerk, "but shouldn't you be upstairs doing what all newly married couples do?"
"Unfortunately, no," replies the man "my bride has gonorrhea."
"I'm sorry about that," the clerk says, "but you can still have fun. You know, oral ***."
"Not that either," he answers, "she also has a gum disease, pyorrhea."
"Oh, I see." The clerk looks around the lobby, then whispers "Well, how about...well...anal ***?"
"The new husband says "Again, no. She also has diarrhea."
Exasperated, the clerk blurts out "Why the hell did you marry her then?"
"Well," says the guy, "she also has worms, and I just love to fish!"
A man goes hunting, he's sitting up in a tree when a black bear cub comes into view. He lines up his shot and fires, killing the cub. About that time he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a big brown bear standing over him. The brown bear speaks up and says...
"You've got two options. 1. I can maul you to death right here. Or 2. You can bend over and take it up the *** from me until I am done."
So the hunter, not wanting to die, opts for option 2.
After a few months in the hospital from the hunting trip, the hunter decides to return to find that brown bear. Sitting up in the tree again, that same brown bear comes into the clearing. So he lines up his shot and fires, killing that brown bear. About that time again, he feels a tap on his shoulder. This time, a big grizzly bear is standing over him and says...
"I am starting to think you aren't coming here for the hunting"
"You've got two options. 1. I can maul you to death right here. Or 2. You can bend over and take it up the *** from me until I am done."
So the hunter, not wanting to die, opts for option 2.
After a few months in the hospital from the hunting trip, the hunter decides to return to find that brown bear. Sitting up in the tree again, that same brown bear comes into the clearing. So he lines up his shot and fires, killing that brown bear. About that time again, he feels a tap on his shoulder. This time, a big grizzly bear is standing over him and says...
"I am starting to think you aren't coming here for the hunting"
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