WTB: Best joke..?
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In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held. The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening. The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, "The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!" The president of Budweiser asked for "The King of Beers, make it a Bud!". Adolph Coors requested a "From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind." And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best. Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness. "And you sir?" he queried. "I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply. "A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked. "Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?" Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!"
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
And the woman says, "GOOD .... now go and get your own **** blanket!!!"
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
And the woman says, "GOOD .... now go and get your own **** blanket!!!"
A twisted History Lesson
3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.
1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.
776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.
525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!
410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.
404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.
214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.
432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.
1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.
1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.
1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!
1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.
1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself ... the United States of Vespuccia!
1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.
1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.
1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.
1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.
1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.
1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric," noting that no one added cream.
1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.
1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.
1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.
1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.
1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.
1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.
1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.
1903- The opening of the *****-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.
1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!
1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.
1928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.
1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.
1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the moustache never came back to finish his work.
1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.
1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.
1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.
1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.
3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.
1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.
776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.
525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!
410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.
404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.
214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.
432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.
1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.
1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.
1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!
1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.
1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself ... the United States of Vespuccia!
1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.
1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.
1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.
1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.
1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.
1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric," noting that no one added cream.
1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.
1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.
1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.
1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.
1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.
1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.
1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.
1903- The opening of the *****-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.
1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!
1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.
1928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.
1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.
1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the moustache never came back to finish his work.
1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.
1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.
1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.
1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.
Hey just noticed this thread got bumped. If any of my jokes offended people, sorry. Didn't mean to offend anyone if I did.
WTF guess it didn't.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
__________________________________________________________________
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
_____________________________________________________________________
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
__________________________________________________________________
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
_____________________________________________________________________
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."
_____________________________________________________________________
A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."
___________________________________________________________________
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
___________________________________________________________________
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
_____________________________________________________________________
A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."
___________________________________________________________________
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
___________________________________________________________________
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
so there was a little girl and her mom walking in a park and they see a young couple making out on a bench, the little girl asks her mom what they are doing and her mom told her that they are just baking a cake
the next morning, the little girl asks her mom and if she and daddy were making a cake last night, the mom said yes, howd you know? and the little girl replies "cause i licked the icing off of the couch"
there was this 16 year old girl who just got her lisense and wanting to take the car out that night, she asked her father if she could take the car out, the father replied, "only if you **** my dick", she says "that disgusting, im your daughter" and he says "well its my car, do you want it or not?" so she says "fine" and gets on her knees and pulls out her fathers c0ck and starts to **** on it, but then she spits it out and says "ew, that tastes like shit" her father then said "oh ya, your brother has the car tonight"
the next morning, the little girl asks her mom and if she and daddy were making a cake last night, the mom said yes, howd you know? and the little girl replies "cause i licked the icing off of the couch"
there was this 16 year old girl who just got her lisense and wanting to take the car out that night, she asked her father if she could take the car out, the father replied, "only if you **** my dick", she says "that disgusting, im your daughter" and he says "well its my car, do you want it or not?" so she says "fine" and gets on her knees and pulls out her fathers c0ck and starts to **** on it, but then she spits it out and says "ew, that tastes like shit" her father then said "oh ya, your brother has the car tonight"
how is getting head from Hillary Clinton like walking a tight rope across the Grand Canyon?
in neither case do you want to look down
did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend told her he loved her?
she believed him
a f4g wakes in the morning and walks into the kitchen, and sees his boyfriend jacking off into a bag and he asks him what he is doing, and his boyfriend replies "what do you think im doing? im packing your lunch"
a man is in the shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks "whats that between your legs daddy?" he replies "thats a penis hunny" and she asks "will i ever get one?" and he replies "yes, just as soon as mommy leave for work"
did you hear they came out with a new Oprah doll?
Ken and Barbie needed a maid
why should you be suspicious of any guy who keeps passing gas around you?
because farts and f4ggots' mating calls
whats the best thing about getting head from an Etheopian chick?
you know she'll swallow
what is black and has 12 green tits?
the garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic
how can you tell if a Polack has been drinking from the toilet?
his breath smells better
did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
he died laughing before he could tell anyone else
what did Jeffrey Dahmer do if he didnt like his neighbors?
he scraped them off his plate
what is the most common pickup line used by black guys?
"scream, *****, and i'll kill you"
what did one f4ggot say to the other f4ggot at the gay bar?
"can i push your stool in?"
in neither case do you want to look down
did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend told her he loved her?
she believed him
a f4g wakes in the morning and walks into the kitchen, and sees his boyfriend jacking off into a bag and he asks him what he is doing, and his boyfriend replies "what do you think im doing? im packing your lunch"
a man is in the shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks "whats that between your legs daddy?" he replies "thats a penis hunny" and she asks "will i ever get one?" and he replies "yes, just as soon as mommy leave for work"
did you hear they came out with a new Oprah doll?
Ken and Barbie needed a maid
why should you be suspicious of any guy who keeps passing gas around you?
because farts and f4ggots' mating calls
whats the best thing about getting head from an Etheopian chick?
you know she'll swallow
what is black and has 12 green tits?
the garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic
how can you tell if a Polack has been drinking from the toilet?
his breath smells better
did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
he died laughing before he could tell anyone else
what did Jeffrey Dahmer do if he didnt like his neighbors?
he scraped them off his plate
what is the most common pickup line used by black guys?
"scream, *****, and i'll kill you"
what did one f4ggot say to the other f4ggot at the gay bar?
"can i push your stool in?"
Lady goes to the super market and sees a poor black man outside with a change cup. So she asks the man would u like to help me go shopping? He says for a nickle i will for a nickle i will i will. So after the shopping the lady asks could u go to my house with me and help me unload my groceries? He says for a nickle i will for a nickle i will i will. So just about when there done she says can u fack me? he says for a nickle i will for a nickle i will i will. So he is tappin that *** and all of a sudden they hear foot steps! She says omg sh!t get your azz in the closet! So he says for a nickle i will for a nickle i will i will. Then the front door gets kicked in it was her husband who then says, I know u been fackin the bed is all messed up and just for that ima pull out all of your pusssy hairs! So he pulls almost all of em out down to the last one which just wont come out so he says come out u black mother facker! for a nickle i will for a nickle i will i will
This one has a stupid basis that wouldn't happen, but I like it.
An airplane is headed from LA to New York. They are leaking fuel and the pilot informs the passengers of this, and tells them they need to reduce weight so some people are going to have to jump. He says he will come back in 5 minutes for volunteers. 5 minutes later he returns and there are no volunteers, so he says okay we'll go by alphabetical order.
Okay...A... do we have any African Americans on board? No?
Alright...B... Any black people? No?
Hmm...C... Any colored people on the plane? No?
Just then a little boy near the back of the plane says to his dad, "Hey, aren't we all three of those daddy?" and his dad quickly Sshh's him and replies, "no son, today we are nlggers, because we come after the mexicans."
LOL, I'm not racist but I like that one.
An airplane is headed from LA to New York. They are leaking fuel and the pilot informs the passengers of this, and tells them they need to reduce weight so some people are going to have to jump. He says he will come back in 5 minutes for volunteers. 5 minutes later he returns and there are no volunteers, so he says okay we'll go by alphabetical order.
Okay...A... do we have any African Americans on board? No?
Alright...B... Any black people? No?
Hmm...C... Any colored people on the plane? No?
Just then a little boy near the back of the plane says to his dad, "Hey, aren't we all three of those daddy?" and his dad quickly Sshh's him and replies, "no son, today we are nlggers, because we come after the mexicans."
LOL, I'm not racist but I like that one.
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