WTB: Best joke..?
- Thread starter its_bacon12
- Live activity
- Replies 167
- Views 13K
one last try...
a man walks into a bar with an aligator under his arm and plops it onto a table. he announces "this is a well trained pet, do not be alarmed! here, i'll prove it to ya.". he tells the gator "open your mouth", and sticks his arm inside the gator's mouth. he then says "close your mouth" and the gator closed it's mouth around his arm barely touching his skin with his teeth. the man proceeds to pound on the gator's head with his fist. "open". the man shows his arm is unscathed to the astonished crowd. "that's nothing! watch how much this gator can be trusted!" . he then places his wang into the gator's mouth. "close". he again starts pounding on the gator's head. "open". pulls out his wang and shows it is also unscathed. the crowd was amased. "anyone else want to try this?" the man asks. a man in the crowd says: "ok, as long as you don't punch me in the head so hard.
a man walks into a bar with an aligator under his arm and plops it onto a table. he announces "this is a well trained pet, do not be alarmed! here, i'll prove it to ya.". he tells the gator "open your mouth", and sticks his arm inside the gator's mouth. he then says "close your mouth" and the gator closed it's mouth around his arm barely touching his skin with his teeth. the man proceeds to pound on the gator's head with his fist. "open". the man shows his arm is unscathed to the astonished crowd. "that's nothing! watch how much this gator can be trusted!" . he then places his wang into the gator's mouth. "close". he again starts pounding on the gator's head. "open". pulls out his wang and shows it is also unscathed. the crowd was amased. "anyone else want to try this?" the man asks. a man in the crowd says: "ok, as long as you don't punch me in the head so hard.
There is a brunettte who really hates blondes stranded in a desert alone. She is walking along wondering what to do when she comes across this "magic lamp." She thinks of the movies and rubs it and *gasp* a genie comes out. The geneie says to her "Ok since you have freed me you will be granted three wishes but the there is a catch...every blonde in the world will get twice what you get." The brunette is pissed but she soon gets over it and starts wishing. He first wish " I wish for an incredibly handsome man." Genie says "Ok but every blonde in the world with get two incredibly handsome men." Her second wish " I wish for 1 million dollars." Genie says "Granted but now every blonde in the world will get 2million dollars." Now she is getting really pissed until she thinks of her third wish. "See that stick over there?" she says to the genie. He responds "yes." She smiles "i want you to beat me half to death with it.
A blonde walks into a har salon prepared to get her hair done wearing headphones. She sits down in the waiting area and waits for her appointed time. The stylist sees her and asks "why are you wearing those headphones?'" She responds "i have to wear them if i take them off i will die." So finally her appointment time comes and the stylists asks her to take them off she yells" i cant take them off i will die. just style around them." So the stylists starts to do her hair and eventually the blonde falls asleep. So the stylists takes the head phones off and starts to do her hair again. About 3 mins later the blonde falls to the ground dead. The people around are wondering what the hell happened. So a bystander picks up the head phones to see what she was listening to and heard "Breathe in Breathe Out Breat In Breathe Out."
I AM BLACK BY THE WAY
How do you stop 5 black dudes from raping a white chick?
Throw them a basketball
What did they call the first black test tube baby?
Janitor in a Drum
A blonde walks into a har salon prepared to get her hair done wearing headphones. She sits down in the waiting area and waits for her appointed time. The stylist sees her and asks "why are you wearing those headphones?'" She responds "i have to wear them if i take them off i will die." So finally her appointment time comes and the stylists asks her to take them off she yells" i cant take them off i will die. just style around them." So the stylists starts to do her hair and eventually the blonde falls asleep. So the stylists takes the head phones off and starts to do her hair again. About 3 mins later the blonde falls to the ground dead. The people around are wondering what the hell happened. So a bystander picks up the head phones to see what she was listening to and heard "Breathe in Breathe Out Breat In Breathe Out."
I AM BLACK BY THE WAY
How do you stop 5 black dudes from raping a white chick?
Throw them a basketball
What did they call the first black test tube baby?
Janitor in a Drum
Its 9:00 who wins the grand prize???
dam i didnt get to add more, oh well. Was away tonight building my box for my sx that was more important
A man is dying of cancer.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do you keep telling
people you're dying of AIDS?
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your
mom!"
His son asked him, " Dad, why do you keep telling
people you're dying of AIDS?
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your
mom!"
OP
- Thread Starter
- #96
sorry guys i passed out last night and didnt get up til 1 am and i just went to bed then...
ok im deciding a winner today, from what ive seen its a toss up between DBDan and VOA
maybe do a poll or split the cash prize //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/smile.gif.1ebc41e1811405b213edfc4622c41e27.gif
i will be sending pms to you both shortly //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif
btw awesome turnout, i really didnt think id have almost a hundred replies and well over a thousand hits //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/biggrin.gif.d71a5d36fcbab170f2364c9f2e3946cb.gif
ok im deciding a winner today, from what ive seen its a toss up between DBDan and VOA
maybe do a poll or split the cash prize //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/smile.gif.1ebc41e1811405b213edfc4622c41e27.gif
i will be sending pms to you both shortly //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif
btw awesome turnout, i really didnt think id have almost a hundred replies and well over a thousand hits //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/biggrin.gif.d71a5d36fcbab170f2364c9f2e3946cb.gif
Here's a freebie:
Q: What do you call this?
A: Michael Jackson helpin some kid with his coat.
Q: What do you call this?
A: Michael Jackson helpin some kid with his coat.
OP
- Thread Starter
- #98
payment sent to the winners, thanks to everyone who participated!
None of you guys will Compare to this one!!!!!!!!! Read the Whole Thing
There were these three guys who got captured by a native tribe. Well they tied them up on a pole and the Chief of the trie went up to each one individually. He went up to the first guy and said you have a choice. "Death of Bongo." Well the guy right away said Bongo. So they untied him and the whole entire village took out the dicks and stuck it into his *** one by one while dancin'. The Chief went up to the next guy and said you have a choice. "Death of Bongo." Well this man chose Bongo as well and the village did there thing. The Chief came up to the last guy and said you have a choice. Death or Bongo." The man said "I'm taking death your not stickin' your dick's in my ***!" So the Chief looked at him and said, "Death...By Bongo"
HAHAHA
There were these three guys who got captured by a native tribe. Well they tied them up on a pole and the Chief of the trie went up to each one individually. He went up to the first guy and said you have a choice. "Death of Bongo." Well the guy right away said Bongo. So they untied him and the whole entire village took out the dicks and stuck it into his *** one by one while dancin'. The Chief went up to the next guy and said you have a choice. "Death of Bongo." Well this man chose Bongo as well and the village did there thing. The Chief came up to the last guy and said you have a choice. Death or Bongo." The man said "I'm taking death your not stickin' your dick's in my ***!" So the Chief looked at him and said, "Death...By Bongo"
HAHAHA
Two cousin flea's are talking on the phone one year and decide to spend the winters together in Miami. That winter they meet up at a bar and the second flea comes in shivering. He says he is freezing to death because he rode down on the mustache of a biker. The first flea tells him "do this, go to the airport and wait for a stewardess to come by. Jump on her thigh and keep heading north until you find the warm, furry spot." The second flea says "Thats a great idea". So the next year the first flea waits at the airport and the second finally shows up. He is shivering badly again. The first flea asks "didnt you do what I told you to?" the second replied "yeah, it worked great, but i was so cozy i fell asleep and woke up in the mustache of a biker"
thanks for the cash
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like ***?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have ***?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during ***?
Mace will do that to you
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the *** Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference bet ween a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy
tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like ***?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have ***?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during ***?
Mace will do that to you
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the *** Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference bet ween a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy
tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
a guy comes home carrying a duck under his arm, looks at his wife and says "this is the pig i've been screwing".the wife says "thats no pig, thats a duck!" the man replies "i was talking to the duck!"
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."
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