Ctminime
10+ year member
1/2 Team SubHertz
How many men does it take to open a beer?
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>
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>None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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>
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>None. It should be opened when she brings it.
OP
Slammed
5,000+ posts
Striking Accord
- Thread Starter
- #63
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around
the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I’m all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari."
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around
the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I’m all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari."
Ctminime
10+ year member
1/2 Team SubHertz
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
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>
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>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
>never
>be able to support you
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
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>It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand >closer
>to
>the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
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>When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
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>You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
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>
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>Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
>pressure.
>
>
>
>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
>never
>be able to support you
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>
>
>
>It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand >closer
>to
>the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
>
>
>
>When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
>
>
>
>You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
>
>
>
>Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
>pressure.
Ctminime
10+ year member
1/2 Team SubHertz
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
>front door, who do you let in first?
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>
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>The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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>-------------------------------------------------------------------
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>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
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>A woman who won't do what she's told.
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>-------------------------------------------------------------------
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>I married a Miss Right.
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>I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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>-------------------------------------------------------------------
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>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's *** drive >by
>90%.
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>It's called a Wedding Cake.
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>-------------------------------------------------------------------
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>Why do men die before their wives?
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>They want to.
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>-------------------------------------------------------------------
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>Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
>with a
>bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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>-------------------------------------------------------------------
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>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
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>Then God created Man and rested.
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>Then God created Woman.
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>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
>front door, who do you let in first?
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>
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>The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
>
>
>
>A woman who won't do what she's told.
>
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>I married a Miss Right.
>
>
>
>I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's *** drive >by
>90%.
>
>
>
>It's called a Wedding Cake.
>
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>Why do men die before their wives?
>
>
>
>They want to.
>
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
>with a
>bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
>
>
>
>Then God created Man and rested.
>
>
>
>Then God created Woman.
>
>
>
>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
My girlfriend is weird.
Just the other day, she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I thought about a moment and answered, "No."
There was a pause, and then she said, "Okay, forget it then."
Just the other day, she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I thought about a moment and answered, "No."
There was a pause, and then she said, "Okay, forget it then."
OP
Slammed
5,000+ posts
Striking Accord
Ricky616
10+ year member
CarAudio.com Veteran
funnyreminds me of this:
cya those are some funy jokes ill check the thread tommorrow and read the new jokes
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's ***** too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'
Ctminime
10+ year member
1/2 Team SubHertz
NEBRASKA DIARY
Date: Aug. 12
Moved to our new home in Nebraska. It is so beautiful here. The corn fields
are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them.
Date: Oct. 14
Nebraska is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all the
colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the country side
and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most
wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I love it here!
Date: Nov. 11
Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a
gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here!
Date: Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It
looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and
shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight (I won) and when the snow-plow
came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love
Nebraska!
Date: Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again to the
driveway. I love it here!
Date: Dec. 19
More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am
exhausted from shoveling. ****ing snow-plow.
Date: Dec. 22
More of that white shit fell last night. I got blisters on my hands from
shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the corner and waits until I'm
done shoveling the driveway. *******!
Date: Dec. 25
Merry ****ing Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on the
son-of-a-***** who drives the snow-plow I swear I will kill the bastard.
Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ****ing ice.
Date: Dec. 27
More white shit last night! Been inside for three days except for shoveling
out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can't go
anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to
expect another 10" of white shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels
full of snow 10" is?
Date: Dec. 28
The ****ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time.
At this rate it wont melt before the summer. The snow-plow got stuck up in the
road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I
told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into
the driveway, I broke my last one over his ****ing head!
Date: Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today. We went to the store to get some food and
on the way back a ****ed deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about
$3,000 damage to the car. Those ****ing beasts should be killed. Wish the
hunters had killed every **** one of them last November.
Date: May 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting
out from that ****ing salt they put down all over the roads?
Date: May 10
Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever
live in that God-forsaken state of Nebraska
Date: Aug. 12
Moved to our new home in Nebraska. It is so beautiful here. The corn fields
are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them.
Date: Oct. 14
Nebraska is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all the
colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the country side
and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most
wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I love it here!
Date: Nov. 11
Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a
gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here!
Date: Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It
looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and
shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight (I won) and when the snow-plow
came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love
Nebraska!
Date: Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again to the
driveway. I love it here!
Date: Dec. 19
More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am
exhausted from shoveling. ****ing snow-plow.
Date: Dec. 22
More of that white shit fell last night. I got blisters on my hands from
shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the corner and waits until I'm
done shoveling the driveway. *******!
Date: Dec. 25
Merry ****ing Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on the
son-of-a-***** who drives the snow-plow I swear I will kill the bastard.
Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ****ing ice.
Date: Dec. 27
More white shit last night! Been inside for three days except for shoveling
out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can't go
anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to
expect another 10" of white shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels
full of snow 10" is?
Date: Dec. 28
The ****ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time.
At this rate it wont melt before the summer. The snow-plow got stuck up in the
road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I
told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into
the driveway, I broke my last one over his ****ing head!
Date: Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today. We went to the store to get some food and
on the way back a ****ed deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about
$3,000 damage to the car. Those ****ing beasts should be killed. Wish the
hunters had killed every **** one of them last November.
Date: May 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting
out from that ****ing salt they put down all over the roads?
Date: May 10
Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever
live in that God-forsaken state of Nebraska
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
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