Jokes!

Mickey Mouse walks into the court house one day hoping to finalize his divorce to Minney. He walks up to the judge and says, "so is my divorce final yet?"
The judge tells him, " I’m sorry Mickey I can’t grant you a divorce from Minney just because you think she’s crazy it wouldn’t be right"

Mickey looks at him a little puzzled. "I never said she was crazy I said she was Fuckin’ Goofy
//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/hilarious.gif.02a037aad04aa96f19982b298a3d70a8.gif those are some funny as jokes i cant even laugh no more:D
 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Trev says to Greg behind him,"Shiiiiit, my elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Greg replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Trev deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Trev began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Trev hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart.

 
PICK UP LINES THAT WILL GUARANTEE YOU A CHICK

-is your dad a thief? (no, why?) cause i saw him stealing plastic forks from Arby’s.

-hey i like your shirt, is that from goodwill?

-want to go behind a rock and make out with a stoner?

-do you believe in love at first sight or are you a pessimistic bytch?

-the word of the day is "legs." lets go back to my place and break your word

-Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] i need to tell my mother i found a perfect girl (her: aww) [continuing] to get a skin graft from

-you must be tired ("why?") you were running from my buick all night in my dreams

-that outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on unsolved mysteries

-your dad must have been a baker, because you’re pasty and huge

-look at the tag in her shirt. when they say ’what are you doing?’, say "checking to see if its from a thrift store.

-i lost my phone number, because i didnt pay the phone bill

-know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

-i hope you know CPR because i tend choke on things i eat off the floor

-"you had me at ’hell no’" (big wink)

-hey, nice to meet you, ill be over there watching you all night

-its a good thing i have my library card, cause i love to steal books

-its scary to think how often weird, creepy guys at bars drug attractive girls in order to have *** with their unconcious bodies, and them dump them in an alley, ***** and *****, for a homeless man to fondle. (offer her a drink)

 
So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter....a duck. One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month's heating bill when he realized that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get. So the boy started off to town.

He came up to a ********** that was uglier than the *** of the duck he carried in his arms. The hooker looked straight at the boy and said, "The fucking begins at $10, you got $10?" The boy had no money, so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10. The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had ***.

An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he fuck her again because it was the best ****ing of her life. She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again.

Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way, the duck gets spooked and flies from the boy's hands. It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck. The man driving gets out and apologizes for the boy's duck. The man hands the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way.

Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him, "What happened?" The boy's reply was this:

"I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck."

 
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on the milk truck.

Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips.

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances at a club, she makes the band skip.

Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time.

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on the water.

Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames.

Yo mama's so fat, when your dad climbs on top of her, his ears pop.

Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my *** on the lightbulb.

Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs.

Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck.

Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.

Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her *** weighs 50 pounds.

Yo mama's so fat, the ***** jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama's so fat, her lipstick comes in a spray can.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change.

Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat.

Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she is backing up.

Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate, she got blue prints.

 
A teacher asks her class. "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them. How many will be left?" She calls on little johnny....he replies "None. They all fly away after the first shot."

The teacher replies."The correct answer is four. But I like your thinking."

Then little johnny says. "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of a triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and ******* the cone. The third is bitting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher. Blushing a great deal. Replies."Well I suppose the one thats gobbled the top and is ******* the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking."

 
So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter....a duck. One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month's heating bill when he realized that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get. So the boy started off to town.
He came up to a ********** that was uglier than the *** of the duck he carried in his arms. The hooker looked straight at the boy and said, "The fucking begins at $10, you got $10?" The boy had no money, so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10. The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had ***.

An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he fuck her again because it was the best ****ing of her life. She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again.

Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way, the duck gets spooked and flies from the boy's hands. It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck. The man driving gets out and apologizes for the boy's duck. The man hands the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way.

Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him, "What happened?" The boy's reply was this:

"I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck."
//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/hilarious.gif.02a037aad04aa96f19982b298a3d70a8.gif where do you get these jokes from there hilarious //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/biggrin.gif.d71a5d36fcbab170f2364c9f2e3946cb.gif

 
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

 
A teacher asks her class. "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them. How many will be left?" She calls on little johnny....he replies "None. They all fly away after the first shot."
The teacher replies."The correct answer is four. But I like your thinking."

Then little johnny says. "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of a triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and ******* the cone. The third is bitting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher. Blushing a great deal. Replies."Well I suppose the one thats gobbled the top and is ******* the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking."
Haha i like that one

 
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"

 
A Poem About My First Time.....

The sky was dark, the moon was high

All alone under the stars, just her and I

I dont know how but I tried my best...

To place my hand upon her breast

Her hair so soft, her legs so fine

I ran my finger down her spine

I was so scared, did not how to start

Slowly I helped spread her legs apart

When she did it I felt no shame

All at once the white stuff came

Its all right its all over now

.....my first time milking a cow.

get yer minds out the gutter guys //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/tongue.gif.6130eb82179565f6db8d26d6001dcd24.gif

 
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"

hahaha very funny //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif

 
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"
lmao good jokes:D

 
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