Jokes!

[wgaede 10+ year member]

Sorry if this offends anyone but....

Two Mexican rocket scientists came up with a genius plan, to build a rocket and travel to the sun! So they get started, and work day in and day out for 3 months until the rocket is nearly completed. The day before they plan on having it completed, one of the Mexicans turns to the other and says, "Sabes que Miguel? I've been thinking man, if we travel to the sun, wont we burn up?". The other Mexican starts to laugh and says, "Hahaha, Juan you are so estupid, we are going at night, ese!"

 

[Chevillac 5,000+ posts]

PICK UP LINES THAT WILL GUARANTEE YOU A CHICK
-is your dad a thief? (no, why?) cause i saw him stealing plastic forks from Arby’s.

-hey i like your shirt, is that from goodwill?

-want to go behind a rock and make out with a stoner?

-do you believe in love at first sight or are you a pessimistic bytch?

-the word of the day is "legs." lets go back to my place and break your word

-Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] i need to tell my mother i found a perfect girl (her: aww) [continuing] to get a skin graft from

-you must be tired ("why?") you were running from my buick all night in my dreams

-that outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on unsolved mysteries

-your dad must have been a baker, because you’re pasty and huge

-look at the tag in her shirt. when they say ’what are you doing?’, say "checking to see if its from a thrift store.

-i lost my phone number, because i didnt pay the phone bill

-know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

-i hope you know CPR because i tend choke on things i eat off the floor

-"you had me at ’hell no’" (big wink)

-hey, nice to meet you, ill be over there watching you all night

-its a good thing i have my library card, cause i love to steal books

-its scary to think how often weird, creepy guys at bars drug attractive girls in order to have *** with their unconcious bodies, and them dump them in an alley, ***** and *****, for a homeless man to fondle. (offer her a drink)

best hands down.

 

[Chevillac 5,000+ posts]

yho mama

 

[NeverEnuffBass 10+ year member]

Why do brides wear white?

Its nice when the dishwasher matches the refridgerator and stove....

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 

[Chevillac 5,000+ posts]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

that sl.ut

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

Sorry if this offends anyone but....
Two Mexican rocket scientists came up with a genius plan, to build a rocket and travel to the sun! So they get started, and work day in and day out for 3 months until the rocket is nearly completed. The day before they plan on having it completed, one of the Mexicans turns to the other and says, "Sabes que Miguel? I've been thinking man, if we travel to the sun, wont we burn up?". The other Mexican starts to laugh and says, "Hahaha, Juan you are so estupid, we are going at night, ese!"

What did the mexican boy say when his homework was blown away by the wind?

"hey, where you going ese?"

bambamboom!

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

One day Fred and Pete are out duck hunting with Fred's new dog "Riley". Fred tells his buddy that Riley is the most amazing dog he has ever seen when it comes to hunting ducks.

"How so?" asks Pete.

"Well, I look at Riley and I say "Riley, go get 'em" and he hauls off into the marsh, then comes back and tells me how many ducks are out there by the number of times that he barks at me."

"Bullshit!"

"Okay, watch!" Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" and about 10 minutes latter, Riley comes back and barks 6 times. Just about that time 6 ducks fly out from the marsh.

Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" again and he comes back a while later and barks 4 times. 4 Ducks fly out from the marsh.

Pete says – "Holy shit! This dog is unbelievable. Can I buy him from you, name your price!"

"I don’t know Pete, I kinda like the dog, I don't think I can sell him."

"How 'bout $5,000?"

"SOLD!"

A few weeks go by and Fred runs into Pete down at the local feed store.

"How's my dog been treatin’ you?" says Fred.

"Aw, I had to shoot that **** dog 2 days ago."

"WHAT! Why did you shoot the dog?"

"Well, I took him out last weekend to the marsh for duck hunting and sent him off to the marsh just like you would and he was gone for almost an hour. He came back a runnin' as fast as he could out of the marsh with a stick in his mouth, went up to my leg and started humpin' me like I was the prom queen or somethin' and shakin' that stick all about. I thought he had rabbies or somethin', so I shot him."

"You dumbass, he was tryin' to tell you that there were more fucking ducks than you can shake a stick at!"

 

[soundstreamer 10+ year member]

a baby seal walks into a club...

 

[LazyRider 10+ year member]

bump