Jokes!

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

Twin brothers whom were extremely close, got into a tragic car accident one night and they both died.

One brother was a very good, honest man and so he went to Heaven. The other was a criminal and all around bad guy so he went to Hell.

When the good brother gets to heaven, God asks him " If you could have one wish what would it be? The man replies "I wish I could see my brother just one more time to say goodbye". So God sends him down to Hell for his final goodbye.

When he arrives in Hell, his brother is there with one arm around a keg of beer, the other arm around a hot blonde.

When the man rerturns to Heaven God asks "Well...what did you think of Hell? Its a horrible place!" The man says "Well God, it seems like a pretty bad place!" God then tells the man "Did you see that keg of beer?" The man says he did. God says "The keg has a hole in it!" "I know" the man says sadly. God says "And did you see that blonde?" The man answers "Yeah well, she doesnt!"

Click to read more...

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

so there’s guys out to lunch and they’re talking about their sons

first guys says "my son is a successful automobile salesmen in fact hes so sucessful he gave one of his friends a new car for their birthday"

and the second guy says "my son is a very sucessful stoke broker and in fact he’s so sucessful that he gave one of his friends a huge pile of stocks for their birthday"

and the third guy says "my sons a sucessful morgage broker hes so successful that he gave one of his friends a house as a birthday present"

so the three guys all look at the fourth and he say "well im gonna be honest Im not too proud of my son hes a gay hairdresser"

they all started to laugh at the man.

but the man continued...."but he must be good at what he does because on his birthday his boyfriends gave him a car, a pile of stocks, and a new house"

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

I have told this joke before...this is for the people who havent heard it:

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife. At home he foung his wife in bed ***** and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 postion. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol.

The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When i fired the pistol my wife shit in my face, bit my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so

they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on

the right wakes up and says,

"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same

dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,

"That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

 

[SAG3 5,000+ posts]

lol at the skiing joke

 

[Prowler573 5,000+ posts]

A man walking along a beach on the Gold Coast was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded over and in a booming voice the Lord said:

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant

you one wish."

The man replied: "Build a bridge from here to New Zealand, so I can

drive across there to go fishing whenever I want".

But the Lord replied: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required

to reach the bottom of the ocean, the vast amounts of concrete and

steel. It would nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it

but it is hard to justify your desire for worldly things. Try to think

of something more spiritual that would honour and glorify me".

The man thought for a while then finally spoke.

"Lord," he began, "I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to

know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the

silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's

wrong" and how I can make her truly happy."

An awkward pause followed, then the Lord replied:

"You want two lanes or four?"

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

There were 3 men on top of a magical hill.If you jump down the hill you fall into whatever you want. The first guy jumps off and says "hot girls" and he falls into alot of **** women.The second guy says"benjamins" so he gets money.The third guy jumped off and tripped over a rock and said "SHIT!!!" so you know, he fell into shit.

 

[azbass 5,000+ posts]

your momas so fat, when she sits around the house. she sit "around" the house.

zing.

 

[Phatillusion 5,000+ posts]

rep for joo all. All of you I could get.

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

An old couple are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again. and I’ll give you one from behind."

The old couple pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two couple near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The little old man starts doing the little old woman at a incredible pace. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not even from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could do it like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!"

The old couple have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody have *** like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The old man replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn’t electrified

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, a Mexican boy, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ’Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’ "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said ’Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’ "?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I’m gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? **** this!"

Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!"

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, what did we do!?"

Martinez whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

 

[imaspaceguy90 10+ year member]

Lol, i like that one and the skiing

 

[.::DuD3::. 10+ year member]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ’Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’ "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said ’Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’ "?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I’m gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? **** this!"

Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!"

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, what did we do!?"

Martinez whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif

 

[trevor87 5,000+ posts]

These are great haha never heard of any of these so far