Funny Stories

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer, It’s gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That’s it! She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave fetching you beers. Don’t you realize that I cook, clean, wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, "Oh no, it has fuckin' started!!"

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

a rich man and a poor man were talking about what they got their wives for christmas, the rich man told the poor man I got my wife a diamond ring and a BMW, the poor man asked why , the rich man said if she does not like the ring she can take it back in her BMW, the rich man ask the poor man what did you get your wife , the poor man said some slippers and a *****, the rich man asked why , the poor mans said if she dont like the slippers she can go fuck herself

 

[AllStar1500bd 5,000+ posts]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already *****. He’s so horny and keen to try out his new ’system’ that he doesn’t think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, *******...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet ***** with his hands in the air!"

This one's pretty good. //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/smile.gif.1ebc41e1811405b213edfc4622c41e27.gif

 

[Phatillusion 5,000+ posts]

This one's pretty good. //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/smile.gif.1ebc41e1811405b213edfc4622c41e27.gif

yes it was.

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought, "That French son of a ***** wanted to touch me, and by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady who, in turn, must have slapped his face".

The large lady thought, "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought, "That ****ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by a mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought, "I hope there’s another tunnel soon……..so I can smack that fuckin French prick again."

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

I, Dick, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

*I do physical labor. *

*I work at great depths. *

*I plunge head first into everything I do. *

*I do not get weekends or public holidays off. *

*I work in a damp environment. *

*I don’t get paid overtime. *

*I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. *

*I work in high temperatures. *

*My work exposes me to contagious Diseases. *

Dear Dick:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have

raised, the Administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

*You do not work 8 hours straight. *

*You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods. *

*You do not always follow the orders of the management team.*

*You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. *

*You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. *

*You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. *

*You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing the correct protective clothing. *

*You will retire well before you are 65. *

*You are unable to work double shifts. *

*You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task. *

*And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. *

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog, Muffles, lying dead with its legs up in the air.

She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why are Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "Well Honey, this way God can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."

Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?"

And Susie said, "Well, Mommy’s legs were up in the air and she was screaming ’Oh God, I’m coming, I’m coming!!’

And if it wasn’t for the mailman laying on top and holding her down she would have been a goner."

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

One day, a young boy walks on to a city bus and sits directly behind the bus driver. He begins to shout at the top of his lungs saying,"If my mommy were a girl elephant and my daddy were a guy elephant, i’d be a baby elephant!". He goes on like this for half an hour when the bus driver finally reacts to the young boy’s antics. he slams on the brakes and turns around to the boy and yells,"If your mother were a ********** and your father were ghey, what would you be then, huh?". To which the boy replies with a large grin on his face," A bus driver."

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned. The Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."

Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.

He looks at the glass and it’s clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila.

So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.

He tells her to drink it. It is tequila he says. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.

It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuela, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

A husband was in big trouble coming up to his wedding anniversary. His high spending, forever nagging, wife told him "ok you small brained dumbfvck, tomorrow is our anniversary and there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday!!

 

[saywhat? 5,000+ posts]

ah shyt man...dont tell me I need surgery....
Im thinking of doing what Mel Gibson did in Lethal Weapon with his shoulder LOL

4 reconstructive knee surgeries on one knee, and the other slips out at random if i turn it wrong or something. not cool.

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

Tarzan and Jane are going to do it for the first time, but Tarzan tells Jane that he doesn’t know how to do it. Jane says "Look , it’s very easy" and she explains what is to make love. Tarzan tells her , "Tarzan does it in tree trunk hole". Jane tells him, "you’ve got it all wrong, you stick it in this hole" motioning to her crotch.

Tarzan and Jane get ***** and Jane motions to her crutch for Tarzan to put it in. Tarzan goes to Jane and kicks her very hard in her crotch. Jane twitching with pain asks Tarzan " what was that for"? and Tarzan says, " Tarzan checks for Squirrels".

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

4 reconstructive knee surgeries on one knee, and the other slips out at random if i turn it wrong or something. not cool.

dammit //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/frown.gif.a3531fa0534503350665a1e957861287.gif

mines slipped out yesterday.....its getting better though...got a Doctor's appointment scheduled for Monday

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

The preacher rose to face his congregation with a red face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a stunningly gorgeous chick, with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never actually said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan....... I merely told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

 

[Slammed 5,000+ posts]

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060225/ap_on_fe_st/odd_street_names

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/smile.gif.1ebc41e1811405b213edfc4622c41e27.gif

funny