Favorite Mitch Hedberg Quotes

[Maddogg7888 10+ year member]

Like title say, what are your favorite mitch hedberg quotes...

ill start it off,

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-*****! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the **** did you get that banana at?'

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

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[Twistid 5,000+ posts]

Mayby you should die of a heroin overdose also

 

[groundpound4200 5,000+ posts]

I do not have a girlfriend.... I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that

 

[jmanpc 5,000+ posts]

"I don't have a microwave oven. But I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit."

"I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're headed and catch up with them later."

 

[BASS_WARRIOR 10+ year member]

"I highlighted my hair once. Not because of how it looked, but because I thought some strands were more important then others."

 

[Maddogg7888 10+ year member]

Mayby you should die of a heroin overdose also

i dont remember that quote

 

[lilmaniac2 5,000+ posts]

I like an escalator because it can never break, it can only become stairs.

 

[Tonyguy 10+ year member]

I like an escalator because it can never break, it can only become stairs.

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif That's my favorite also.

 

[traksta15 10+ year member]

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

 

[lilmaniac2 5,000+ posts]

That joke is rediculous, but im gonna take out all the words and replace them with new ones. Then it will be funny

also

Think like a cactus

 

[jmanpc 5,000+ posts]

I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but I decided fuck that, I'll get a tan.

 

[lilmaniac2 5,000+ posts]

I saw this wino who was eating grapes, I was like, "Dude, you have to wait"

 

[lilmaniac2 5,000+ posts]

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

 

[jmanpc 5,000+ posts]

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif

 

[Skip01 5,000+ posts]

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid-back company -- they said, 'F**k it. Cut 'em up.'