Favorite Mitch Hedberg Quotes

[Skip01 5,000+ posts]

this?
I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.

This one:

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes, I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?

 

[meh 10+ year member]

I hate it when my feet fall asleep during the day...cause I know they will be up all night

 

[Maddogg7888 10+ year member]

if carrots got u drunk, rabbits would be fvcked up

 

[ThatChevyGuy 5,000+ posts]

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

 

[cobra65427289 10+ year member]

My appartment is infested with koala bears, its the cutest infestation ever, way better than **** roaches. When I turn on the lights a bunch of koala bears scatter. I don't want em to, ya know? I'm like, hey, hold on fellas. Lemme hold one of you, feed you a leaf.

 

[nittanylion64 10+ year member]

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

There are way too many though to just choose one!!!!