A dangler was attacked yesterday here in HaTeRs On My dlcK LiKe A JeAn ZiPpEr. When the paramedics found the victim he was mumbling, “Oh, Rease you iz BIG!” over and over. The victim was found with a yellow battery stuck in his rectum, along with some stiff 1/0 shoved into each ear. He is expected to survive, but will be forced to listen to low-volume elevator music for the rest of his life, and the only “burping” he’ll be doing is the burping of his colostomy bag. The assailant is still large, livin large, at large.