Here is an account of an "endowment":
I just realized it's been 14 years today since I went to the temple for my endowment. I was 20 years old and went through the temple the day before I got married. It was the Washington, D.C. temple and I was a convert of 2 years.
I remember not knowing much about what the endowment was. I knew I would make covenants with God, and I had been told about the temple garments. My bishop's wife took me to purchase my first garments at the store, and told me to bring them, unopened, to the temple in a bag. I was mostly excited about getting married, and nervous about having ***, and not overly concerned with the temple rituals. I just wanted to get it over with so I could get married the next day.
It was my fiancé's first time to the temple as well. He was a one-year convert, and he was 36. I remember the temple was so beautiful: huge and white and a beautiful pool outside. The leaves were turning and the sky was blue. When I got inside I was nervous. It was a big place. Funny, I don't even remember who all came with me. I think a lady from my ward came to sort of guide me through it.
First I went into the locker room and was asked to take off all my clothes and put a big white sheet over my head. It was open on the sides, and I was cold, and very self-conscious. I thought, geez, what is this... Then they took me into a little booth thing and sat me on a stool. The old lady whispered the blessing in my ear. I was dizzy from nervousness, and was really surprised when she forgave my sins and said I was "clean every whit." Wow, I had no idea that happened again after baptism. And I didn't know women could forgive sins... it was mind boggling. I didn't like it when she ran her hands over my body with oil and water. It felt strange and immodest to me. But I accepted it as God's will. Soon she had my garments in her hands. She held open the bottoms for me to step into. It was so weird, having an old women hold my underwear and pull them up for me. I felt... stupid. Childish. Ridiculous. I don't even remember how she got the tops on me.
Somewhere along the line, after I got out of the booth I think, and changed into a white temple dress (and was grateful for the coverage), someone pinned some little papers onto me. One said OWN ENDOWMENT and I think said my name. I had the little "packet" cloth pouch thing with all the robes and veil and apron folded up inside and I felt odd carrying it. All the stuff was rented at the temple; I only had my own garments. An old lady took me aside and gave me a "new name" and I was a nervous wreck that I would forget it, and asked her to repeat it. It was Hagar. What an ugly name. I hated it. And I was angry at its implications: Abraham's second wife that he cast off, the one who was not the wife of his heart. I was becoming a second wife to my husband, who had been married before...was this a sign?
I don't remember much else about how I got to the endowment room. I don't remember a lot except how weird my fiancé looked in that hat, and why was it tied to his shoulder? I hated getting out the robes and trying to get them on in time. There were so many people. I had someone helping me tie my robes and stuff but it was awkward. The movie was ok, but trying to get all the handshakes and passwords right was nerve wracking. Why did I have to take off my slippers and put them back on again when we changed the robes from left to right shoulder? I was so confused, nothing made sense, but I tried to just get through it. Everyone was smiling and happy, and I was flushed and embarrassed.
The of course, they had the true order of prayer. And of course being my own endowment I was dragged up there with fiancé to chant Pay Lay Ale with a veil over my face. I felt so strange. I couldn't even think. And I also remember, all the times I was told to "bow your head and say yes." I felt slapped into submission. Obey your husband. Yes. (it was pre-1990). The promises of never revealing, and the suffering my life to be taken; the throat slitting and disemboweling gestures..I think I went mind-numb. It was unthinkable, so I didn't think.
Finally we were at the veil. I couldn't remember a single thing. The old lady told me all the answers. I shoved my inner knee against my fiancé's, I pressed my chest to his and felt his breath on my ear through the veil, his arm on my back, my breast touching him. I said the magic words and he pulled me through. (What the heck was it with the mallets hanging on poles? Why did they knock 3 times and God asks what is wanted? Isn't God omniscient?) I was in the celestial room with him and my ward members who attended. I was exhausted. It was white and whiter. I just wanted to go home.
I went to the dressing room and saw myself in a full length mirror in robes, veil and green apron. I couldn't bear to look. I just had to get changed and forget it ever happened, and look forward to getting married the next day.
I was so numbed by the experience that although my husband pleaded, I refused (with excuses) to go back for another endowment session for 5 months. When I did go back, the death oaths were gone. A lot had changed. It was easier to tolerate.
But I won't ever forget that first time.
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