WTB: Best joke..?
- Thread starter its_bacon12
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There is two old ladies out front in their yard sitting in lawn chairs smoking cigarettes. Well its starts to rain out and so one of the older women pulls a condom out of her pocket and puts it on the end of the cigarette.
[Old Lady 1] "Whats That?" The woman replies,
[Old Lady 2] "Well its a condom. I use them so my cigarettes don't get wet when it rains out."
The old lady smiles in excitment and asks
[Old Lady 1] "Where can i buy one of these condom things?"
[Old Lady 2] "They sell them at any local convient store here."
So the old lady decideds to drive up to the store and get a condom for her cigarettes. She gets there and walks up to the young boy behind the counter and asks the boy
[Old Lady] "Excuse me, Where can i find a condom at?"
The young boy shocked at this old womans request, snickers and says
[Young Boy] "Well we have many different types and sizes, do you have one you would like in paticular?"
[Old Lady] "No, just anything that will cover a camel."
[Old Lady 1] "Whats That?" The woman replies,
[Old Lady 2] "Well its a condom. I use them so my cigarettes don't get wet when it rains out."
The old lady smiles in excitment and asks
[Old Lady 1] "Where can i buy one of these condom things?"
[Old Lady 2] "They sell them at any local convient store here."
So the old lady decideds to drive up to the store and get a condom for her cigarettes. She gets there and walks up to the young boy behind the counter and asks the boy
[Old Lady] "Excuse me, Where can i find a condom at?"
The young boy shocked at this old womans request, snickers and says
[Young Boy] "Well we have many different types and sizes, do you have one you would like in paticular?"
[Old Lady] "No, just anything that will cover a camel."
Q: Why how come car audio enthusiast peoples are losers?
A: Because they are the nerds!!!
AAAAHHHH!!! HAHAHHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
HAHAHAAH!! HAHAHAAH! HAH! AHA!!! AHHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!
A: Because they are the nerds!!!
AAAAHHHH!!! HAHAHHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
HAHAHAAH!! HAHAHAAH! HAH! AHA!!! AHHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!
Well Acid is just in denial //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/rolleyes.gif.c1fef805e9d1464d377451cd5bc18bfb.gif
lol
lol
Decipha has the 2 best jokes!
Q:Whats the difference between a pot hole and a niger??
A: you would swerve for the pot hole wouldn't you?
Q: Why do nigers work out more?
A: because TV's are getting heavier.
Joke - simple entertainment thats all no racism
Q:Whats the difference between a pot hole and a niger??
A: you would swerve for the pot hole wouldn't you?
Q: Why do nigers work out more?
A: because TV's are getting heavier.
Joke - simple entertainment thats all no racism
there is a guy who went to a farm to buy a pig. so he said to the farmer i want that pig... there how much does it weigh... the farmer put the tail of the pig in his mouth and lifted it up and said 85 lbs... the guy said no way your right... so the farmer said yea i am it's a gift the whole family has. the guy still a skeptic thinks the farmer is trying to rip him off. so the farmer calls for his son who does the same thing as his dad... turns the the guy and says 85 lbs but the guy still doesn't beileve them... so the farmer tells his son to go get his mother... the boy run off and comes back the farmer says to the boy where it your mother and the boy reply she will be right out she's busy weighing the mail man right now....
there is a guy that is on a plane and he has to sh!t and the restroom has been full for some time now.... so he says to the flight attendent can i please use the womens rest room.. she replys yes but DO NOT touch any of the button ..he says ok and goes off the do his thing.. when he is finished he is looking for the toilet paper but there isn't any.. so he sees a botton with a roll.. on it so he pushed it and the pot wipe his a$$ for him.. he thought this is cool and curoisity got the best of him so he pushed the next button that had a picture of a cotton ball and a cotton ball came out and powdered is a$$.. so there was only one button left and it had a picture of string with a hand pulling down on it.. the guy thought what the hell could this be.. so he pushed it he wakes up in a hospital bed and says what the fock happened to the doctor!!! the doctor replys remember when the flight attendent told you not to use the buttons... the guy replys yea.. well that last button you pushed was an automatic tampon remover and your d!ck is under your pillow sir!!!!!!
just freebees
there is a guy that is on a plane and he has to sh!t and the restroom has been full for some time now.... so he says to the flight attendent can i please use the womens rest room.. she replys yes but DO NOT touch any of the button ..he says ok and goes off the do his thing.. when he is finished he is looking for the toilet paper but there isn't any.. so he sees a botton with a roll.. on it so he pushed it and the pot wipe his a$$ for him.. he thought this is cool and curoisity got the best of him so he pushed the next button that had a picture of a cotton ball and a cotton ball came out and powdered is a$$.. so there was only one button left and it had a picture of string with a hand pulling down on it.. the guy thought what the hell could this be.. so he pushed it he wakes up in a hospital bed and says what the fock happened to the doctor!!! the doctor replys remember when the flight attendent told you not to use the buttons... the guy replys yea.. well that last button you pushed was an automatic tampon remover and your d!ck is under your pillow sir!!!!!!
just freebees
OP
- Thread Starter
- #112
heh any more jokes anyone? i know this is long gone but ...still funny stuff in here!1
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He shot and dropped a bird,but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on histractor and asked him what he was doing.The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Nebraska and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Husker Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, First I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on Back and forth until someone gives up."The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
A lobster walks into a bar one evening & asks the barman for a pint,
The barman says "i'm not serving you",
"Why not" asks the lobster
Cos everynight you come in here giving it all that holding both arms up hands opening & shutting your hands saying "IM A LOBSTER" and stuff..
*STUPID FUNNY JOKE WARNING*
A pavement tile walks into a bar in his karate gi and a black belt round his waist. He steps up to the bar and order a pint.
Suddenly a red pavement tile walks in screaming, shouting, throwing glasses all over and generally going mad. The barman says to the first tile "Hey, you're a black belt, go sort him our". The tile replies........
"No way man!! He's a cyclepath"
A duck walks into a bar hops up on the counter and says to the barman "got any corn?" the barman looks at the duck and replys " no this is a bar we serve alcohol here " duck leaves
next day duck walks into the bar hops on the counter and says to the barman "got any corn?" the barman looks at the duck and says " look duck as i said yesterday this is a bar we serve alcohol not corn " duck leaves
next day duck walks into the bar hops onto the counter and says to the barman "got any corn?" the barman looks and the duck and says " listen duck just like i told you this is a bar we serve alcohol if you ask me the one more time im going to nail your beak to the bar" duck leaves
next day duck walks into the bar hops onto the counter and asks the barman " got a hammer and nails? " barmen says " listen duck this is a bloody bar not a hardware shop dont you listen we serve alcohol " duck says " in that case have you got any corn? "
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout Blue Moon?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing Blue Moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."
Q: What is Brown and Sticky????
A: A Stick! (ok maybe I was the only one that laughed the first tim i read it.....)
a burgler is quietly going about his illegal work one night, when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
he looks around but there's no-one there, so he carries on piling swag into his bag. then the voice speaks again: "Jesus is watching you."
again he looks around, and this time he sees a parrot in a cage. he walks up to the cage and says: "A talking parrot, that's fantastic - are you Jesus?"
"No," replies the bird, "I'm Moses."
the thief laughs. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?!"
"The same people who'd call a Rottweiler Jesus," replies the bird...
Two cows in a field:
One says "MOOOOOOOOOOOO !"
T'other says - "B****** - I was going to say that "!
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog`s cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "let`s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,then checks his teeth. Finally,
he says, "I`m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he`s cross-eyed?"
"No, because he`s really heavy."
a pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says, "hey, Cap'n, why you got that steering wheel attached to your crotch" "Arrrrrr", says the pirate "It's drivin me nuts!"
Some students were sitting in class after coming in from recess, the teacher asks:
"Bobby what did you do during recess?"
"I played in the sandbox"
"Alright Bobby if you come up to the board and spell sand correctly, i'll give you a cookie"
He does and gets a cookie
"Susie what did you do during recess?"
"I played in the sandbox with Bobby"
"Alright Susie if you come up to the borad and spell box correctly i'll give you a cookie"
She does and gets a cookie.
"Mohammed what did you do during recess?"
"I tried to play in the sandbox with Bobby and Susie but they threw rocks at me"
"Well that sounds like blatant racial discrimination, if you come up to the board and spell blatant racial discrimination, i'll give you a cookie"
(So true....lol j/k)
There were 3 women (one black-haired, one redhead, and one blonde) in heaven, and God ask them to go up 100 stairs to go to heaven, but in each stair, someone will ask them a joke and if you laughed they would get send to hell.
The black-haired laughed at 15th step.
The redhead laughed at the 50th step.
The blonde got to the 100th step, and started to laught harder than the other. God ask her why was she laughing so hard, the bloned answer, "I finally got the first joke."
..... some that Ive laughed at before
A lobster walks into a bar one evening & asks the barman for a pint,
The barman says "i'm not serving you",
"Why not" asks the lobster
Cos everynight you come in here giving it all that holding both arms up hands opening & shutting your hands saying "IM A LOBSTER" and stuff..
*STUPID FUNNY JOKE WARNING*
A pavement tile walks into a bar in his karate gi and a black belt round his waist. He steps up to the bar and order a pint.
Suddenly a red pavement tile walks in screaming, shouting, throwing glasses all over and generally going mad. The barman says to the first tile "Hey, you're a black belt, go sort him our". The tile replies........
"No way man!! He's a cyclepath"
A duck walks into a bar hops up on the counter and says to the barman "got any corn?" the barman looks at the duck and replys " no this is a bar we serve alcohol here " duck leaves
next day duck walks into the bar hops on the counter and says to the barman "got any corn?" the barman looks at the duck and says " look duck as i said yesterday this is a bar we serve alcohol not corn " duck leaves
next day duck walks into the bar hops onto the counter and says to the barman "got any corn?" the barman looks and the duck and says " listen duck just like i told you this is a bar we serve alcohol if you ask me the one more time im going to nail your beak to the bar" duck leaves
next day duck walks into the bar hops onto the counter and asks the barman " got a hammer and nails? " barmen says " listen duck this is a bloody bar not a hardware shop dont you listen we serve alcohol " duck says " in that case have you got any corn? "
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout Blue Moon?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing Blue Moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."
Q: What is Brown and Sticky????
A: A Stick! (ok maybe I was the only one that laughed the first tim i read it.....)
a burgler is quietly going about his illegal work one night, when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
he looks around but there's no-one there, so he carries on piling swag into his bag. then the voice speaks again: "Jesus is watching you."
again he looks around, and this time he sees a parrot in a cage. he walks up to the cage and says: "A talking parrot, that's fantastic - are you Jesus?"
"No," replies the bird, "I'm Moses."
the thief laughs. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?!"
"The same people who'd call a Rottweiler Jesus," replies the bird...
Two cows in a field:
One says "MOOOOOOOOOOOO !"
T'other says - "B****** - I was going to say that "!
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog`s cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "let`s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,then checks his teeth. Finally,
he says, "I`m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he`s cross-eyed?"
"No, because he`s really heavy."
a pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says, "hey, Cap'n, why you got that steering wheel attached to your crotch" "Arrrrrr", says the pirate "It's drivin me nuts!"
Some students were sitting in class after coming in from recess, the teacher asks:
"Bobby what did you do during recess?"
"I played in the sandbox"
"Alright Bobby if you come up to the board and spell sand correctly, i'll give you a cookie"
He does and gets a cookie
"Susie what did you do during recess?"
"I played in the sandbox with Bobby"
"Alright Susie if you come up to the borad and spell box correctly i'll give you a cookie"
She does and gets a cookie.
"Mohammed what did you do during recess?"
"I tried to play in the sandbox with Bobby and Susie but they threw rocks at me"
"Well that sounds like blatant racial discrimination, if you come up to the board and spell blatant racial discrimination, i'll give you a cookie"
(So true....lol j/k)
There were 3 women (one black-haired, one redhead, and one blonde) in heaven, and God ask them to go up 100 stairs to go to heaven, but in each stair, someone will ask them a joke and if you laughed they would get send to hell.
The black-haired laughed at 15th step.
The redhead laughed at the 50th step.
The blonde got to the 100th step, and started to laught harder than the other. God ask her why was she laughing so hard, the bloned answer, "I finally got the first joke."
..... some that Ive laughed at before
What is easier to move a pile of dead babies or a pile of bowling balls?
The dead babies cuz you cant use a pitch fork on the bowling balls.
The dead babies cuz you cant use a pitch fork on the bowling balls.
where do gay people park
in the rear
thank you
in the rear
thank you
The best joke ever for its simplicity, shortness, yet extremly funny to picture it in your mind:
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Cuz she didnt have any arms.
If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey eats my rooster what do you have?
3 feet of my c0ck in your ***
LOL!
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Cuz she didnt have any arms.
If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey eats my rooster what do you have?
3 feet of my c0ck in your ***
LOL!
superman is flying around one day and realizes he is really horny. as hes flying he sees wonder woman sunbathing **** on a rooftop. knowing he can move at the speed of light he figures he can go down and do her real quick before she even realizes. he goes down and does her and when hes done and gone, wonder woman sits up and says what was that, then the invisible man says i dont know but my a$$ sure hurts.
OP
- Thread Starter
- #120
bumpin this up...still funny as hell reading thru these
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