Here ya go... a few funnies for ya.
Little Johnny is at the zoo with his teacher, Miss Smith along with the rest of class. They are touring around when Johnny sees a deer peacefully grazing on some grass."
Johnny, can you tell us the name of that animal?" asks Miss Smith, pointing to the deer."Well," says Johnny, "I think it is a... I guess it is a..."
"Let me give you a hint," interrupts Miss Smith. "What does your mother call your father every morning?" "Oh, right!" shouts Johnny. "It's an *******!"
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Little Albert's Uncle Tony owns a *** shop and every day after school, Little Albert drops by to visit him.
One afternoon, Albert walks through the door and Uncle Tony says, "Hi, kid. Can you look after the store for a few minutes while I run out to the post office?"
Sure, Uncle," replies Albert, and sets his school things on the counter. Tony leaves and a few minutes later, three nuns walk in.
The nuns are a little embarrassed to see a kid running the store, but they are desperate.
"How much for that big, pink *****?" whispers the first nun.
"Ten dollars," replies Little Albert, confidently. "Batteries not included."
"I will take it," says the nun, as she is pushed aside by the next nun.
"How much for that huge, bright purple one?" whispers the second nun.
"Twenty dollars," replies Albert. "Batteries not included."
"I will take it sonny," snaps the second nun. "And put it in a plain brown wrapper."
Then the third nun looks around nervously and says, "Sonny, how much for that big black and red plaid one?"
"That one is not for sale," says Albert.
"Come on kid!" snaps the nun. "I will pay any price for that big one."
"Okay, lady," says Albert. "Fifty dollars!"
"I will take it," says the nun, and the three of them leave the shop.
A few minutes later, Uncle Tony comes back from the post office.
"How did it go?" he asks. "Any business?"
"Sure, Uncle Tony," says Little Albert. "Three nuns came in and I sold the first one a ***** for ten dollars. The second nun bought one for twenty dollars. And you won't believe this," continues Albert. "The last nun paid fifty dollars for my thermos bottle!"
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A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, some rope, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to tie him up with the rope and put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!
Little Johnny is at the zoo with his teacher, Miss Smith along with the rest of class. They are touring around when Johnny sees a deer peacefully grazing on some grass."
Johnny, can you tell us the name of that animal?" asks Miss Smith, pointing to the deer."Well," says Johnny, "I think it is a... I guess it is a..."
"Let me give you a hint," interrupts Miss Smith. "What does your mother call your father every morning?" "Oh, right!" shouts Johnny. "It's an *******!"
***********************************************
Little Albert's Uncle Tony owns a *** shop and every day after school, Little Albert drops by to visit him.
One afternoon, Albert walks through the door and Uncle Tony says, "Hi, kid. Can you look after the store for a few minutes while I run out to the post office?"
Sure, Uncle," replies Albert, and sets his school things on the counter. Tony leaves and a few minutes later, three nuns walk in.
The nuns are a little embarrassed to see a kid running the store, but they are desperate.
"How much for that big, pink *****?" whispers the first nun.
"Ten dollars," replies Little Albert, confidently. "Batteries not included."
"I will take it," says the nun, as she is pushed aside by the next nun.
"How much for that huge, bright purple one?" whispers the second nun.
"Twenty dollars," replies Albert. "Batteries not included."
"I will take it sonny," snaps the second nun. "And put it in a plain brown wrapper."
Then the third nun looks around nervously and says, "Sonny, how much for that big black and red plaid one?"
"That one is not for sale," says Albert.
"Come on kid!" snaps the nun. "I will pay any price for that big one."
"Okay, lady," says Albert. "Fifty dollars!"
"I will take it," says the nun, and the three of them leave the shop.
A few minutes later, Uncle Tony comes back from the post office.
"How did it go?" he asks. "Any business?"
"Sure, Uncle Tony," says Little Albert. "Three nuns came in and I sold the first one a ***** for ten dollars. The second nun bought one for twenty dollars. And you won't believe this," continues Albert. "The last nun paid fifty dollars for my thermos bottle!"
************************************************** *******************************************
A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, some rope, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to tie him up with the rope and put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!
