Chuck Norris wipes his *** with kittens.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked my grandfather, and MY head still hurts.
Scientists performing tests on Chuck Norris have discovered that roundhouse kicks kill scientists.
Your so vain, I bet you think this song is about you.
It isn't. It's about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris actually gave birth to Tony Little rectally.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jimmy Hoffa into the future. In the year 2052, Hoffa will reappear and fly through the windshield of a flying car.
Chuck Norris invented the saying, "Can't sling shit further than your luck'll take ya." To this day only he knows exactly what it means.
The roundhouse kick has been proven to be more deady than kryptonite. The Death of Superman? Yeah, that was from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is a world champion in Long Distance Shitting. He once propelled a shit more than 1000 yards, where it landed perfectly in a toilet, without even making a splash. The sport was outlawed, however, after a stray shit from Norris struck a hobo 10 miles away, killing him instantly.
Chuck Norris requests immunization shots on the shaft of his penis, because it is by far the largest vein on his body.
Once a man tried to argue philosophy with Chuck Norris, but Chuck promptly grabbed philosophy and roundhouse kicked it out the window. The man said, "That wasn't nice." To which Chuck Norris replied, "Yeah, and neither was this," and roundhouse kicked him through the wall.
Double Stuff Oreos give Chuck Norris his power, not the single stuff ones, those are for *******.
In 1997, Chuck Norris won the Pulitzer Prize for his autobiography entitled "Never Quiting the Fight: The Life of Chuck Norris". He then peed on it.
Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
Chuck Norris can remotely impregnate women.
Einstein actually had a theory explaining how the roundhouse kick of Chuck Norris broke all laws of physics. He died on the day of the planned release.
