Jokes - Some may be * **NWS***

[Diplexers 10+ year member]

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette together own a few cows. They decide they need to breed them in order to get more cows so the brunette tells the blonde that she's going to go purchase a bull. She says when she finds a bull she'll send a telegram telling her to bring the truck and trailer to pick up the bull...

The brunette finds a fellow with a bull and buys it for 599.00 dollars. When the brunette goes to the telegram office the guy tells here its a dollar per word but she only had 600.00 dollars to begin with. So she thinks for a minute and then tells the guy to write "comfortable". The man asks how the blonde is going to understand to bring the truck and trailer from reading the word "comfortable". The brunette tells him her friend is blonde and she will read it slowly, com-for-da-bull!

 

[midastouch]

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted!

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/handclap.gif.0c301076f534e244f0460706894f19e0.gif "Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all weekend"

 

[smullen 10+ year member]

Bubba is sitting in his doctor's office explaining his symptoms and he

has the doctor stumped.

"Doc, I don't know why, but since I broke up with my girlfriend last

week, my dick has started to turn orange."

The doc looks at his member and sure enough, it has a definite orange

tint to it. The doctor asks, "You say this just started since you

broke up with your girlfriend?"

Yeah, Doc. It's a little more orange every time I wake up in the

morning." The doc asks "What do you eat or drink before you go to bed?"

"Just a little beer."

The Doctor has never seen anything like this so he tells Bubba to go

home and it should clear itself up in a few days.

After a week Bubba calls the doc's office and he's in a panic.

"Doc, I waited a few days and now it's even more orange than before.

C'mon Doc. You gotta help me." He pleads.

The doctor ponders the situation for a while and then asks "Bubba, you

said that you drink a little beer every night. Are you sure that's all

you do?"

"Well Doc, I drink more than a little beer. Ever since I broke up with

Emmylou, I come home from work, sit down in front of the TV and drink

a lot of beer."

"Are you sure you're not leaving something out Bubba? Tell me exactly

what you do."

"Actually, I sit down with a cooler full of beer, watch ***** flicks

and eat Cheetos. Now can you tell me what the hell is wrong with me?"

 

[smullen 10+ year member]

SIGNS YOU'RE A SL-u-t

**You become a K-Y spokesperson.

**Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.

**You go through a Sealy Mattress every week.

**You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.

**When they change your area code to 6969.

**Tetracycline is your best friend.

**McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".

**It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.

**When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your front door.

**When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.

Y**our day starts and ends by rolling over.

**When the sperm bank calls for remnant samples.

**When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

**When your ceiling mirrors fog.

**When they install a revolving door at your apartment.

**When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

**Madonna comes to you for pointers.

**When he doesn't even have to buy you a soft drink.

**When you have a room key to every hotel in town.

**Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.

**The only place you haven't had *** is on the moon.

**When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"

**When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.

**When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.

**When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

 

[smullen 10+ year member]

Dear Billy Joe Bob,

 

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't

live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper

that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so

we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the

last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved

so they wouldn't have to change their address.

 

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure

it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in

and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.

 

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first

time for three days and the second time for four days.

 

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would

be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut

them off and put them in the pockets.

 

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because

it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

 

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it

is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks

just like your brother.

 

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to

pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated;

he burned for three days.

 

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was

driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other

two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't

get the tailgate down.

 

Love and kisses,

Your favorite aunt

 

[smullen 10+ year member]

A woman walks into a bar and notices a good-looking cowboy.

She approaches him and asks, "Is it true what they say about men with BIG feet?"

He replies, "It sure is Ma'am. Would you like to come to my place and find out?" She sees no harm and decides to spend the night.

The next morning as he is waking up he notices the lady placing a hundred dollar bill on his nightstand.

"Wow, I'm flattered. No one has ever paid me for my services," he says.

"Don't be," she replies. "Use it to buy a pair of boots that fit!!!"

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hits the pillow when the old man passes gas and says, "seven points."

 

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

 

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

 

A few minutes later his wife lets a barker go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

 

Not to be outdone the wife roars out another one and says "Touchdown, tie score."

 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."

 

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

 

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

 

The old man says, "Half-time, switch sides."

 

[B_Master_Flash 10+ year member]

ok ok ok...

This guy is at work and decides to call home to talk to his wife. They had recently hired a maid at thier house, and she answers the phone.

Guy "Hi, is Susan there?" (the guys wife)

Maid "Yes, but she is in her bedroom with her husband, can I take a message?"

Guy (really pissed off) "WHAT?! This is her husband, I'm at work!!!"

Maid "oh, I'm terribly sorry, I thought it was her husband she was with..."

Guy "ok, listen to me. How would you like to make $50,000 right now"

Maid, thinks about it for a second... "Ok, tell me what you want me to do"

Guy "go in the garage and get my axe, break the door down and kill both of them"

Maid "ok..."

Long Pause

Maid (panting) "ok, I chopped both of them up, what should I do with the bodies?"

Guy "Throw them in the pool in the back yard, I'll do the rest when I get home"

Maid "...there is no pool in the backyard"

Akward pause

Guy "ummm... is this 7620 Maple Street?"

 

[B_Master_Flash 10+ year member]

A little girl is out in the shed w/ her gradpa and she sees 2 spiders having ***. "What kind of spider is that, Grandpa?"

"Thats a daddy Long legs" said graps

"Oh, and is the one on bottom a mommy long legs?" asked the little girl.

"No, thats a Daddy long lets too" Said gramps. The little girl thinks about it for a second, then gets a pissed off look on her face and squashes both the spiders.

"What did you do that for?" asked gramps.

"We aren't gonna be havin any of that sh!t around here!"

________________

Ok, an Itialian, a Chinaman, and a New Yorker are on a safari and get split off from their group. Pretty soon they are captured by a wild cannibal tribe. The chief of the tribe tells them they are going to be killed and their skins are going to be used to make a canoe, but the good thing is they get to decide how they die.

The Itialian thinks for a minute and says, "I will die by the gun, I want my death to be quick and painless"

The Chief is ok with this and gives him a gun with one bullet. The Itialian says a little prayer for his faimly and then shoots himself in the head.

The Chinaman says "I will die by the sword, the honorable way"

The Chief says ok and give him a sword. The Chinaman does a few Sword rituals, then Kneels and cuts his head off.

The New Yorker says "Just gimmie a fork"

The chief says "well, whatever, its your death" and gives him a fork.

The new Yorker starts stabbing himself in the chest and stomach, blood is gushing out of his torso. The Chief, amazed and startled, exclaims "What are you doing?!"

"FCUK YOUR CANOE!!!"

 

[smullen 10+ year member]

A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party

all alone.

Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what

to do if boys hit on her. Her Mom said,

"It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask

him 'What will be the name of our baby?', that will scare them

off." So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her

and, little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked

him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later the

same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her

shoulders... she stopped him and asked him 'What will be the name

of our baby?',

He ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes

he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be

called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our

baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have *** with her. "What will our baby be called?!"

she asked again.

After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot

and said,

"...if he gets out of this one...Whodini!"

 

[smullen 10+ year member]

Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or

testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we

ever got an erection while we did self-examination of our testicles. We

answered that it was possible that we had. You know, you don't really want

everyone to know when you get aroused. She then asked, "What do you do

about it?" We said in unison, "Nothing, why?" She then say, "You mean you

go around with a hard penis all day?" We said no way! She then states, "You

mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?" We both said

yes. At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"

 

[smullen 10+ year member]

Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or

testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we

ever got an erection while we did self-examination of our testicles.

We answered that it was possible that we had.

You know, you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused. She then asked, "What do you do about it?" We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"

She then say, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"

We said no it will go away in a few minutes!

She then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?"

We both said, Uhhh Yes....

At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"

 

[smullen 10+ year member]

One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven.

He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking.

Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.

"Man, I'd sure like to fock that!"

"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."

His new friend replied.

So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay

of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.

Then another hot lady walks by.

"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"

"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."

He does, and returns back to the bench.

Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.

"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"

"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."

He gets back and sets down.

"This is great! But I really have to take a sh!t!"

"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.

He gets up and does a number.

"What do I wipe with?"

"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.

Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made himbreakfast.

"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.

"You're telling me! You focked me three times, sh!t on the pillow, then wiped your a$$ with the sheets!"

 

[smullen 10+ year member]

You know how there are different Ethnic Jokes,,,

Black Jokes, Mexican Jokes, Itialian jokes, polish, ect..etc..

Anyone here any white jokes where whites are the Butt of the Joke???

I have searched and the only (Sorta lame) one that I could find was

What is 15" long and white?

Nothing...

Other than that, thats the only one I have heard..

 

[ss3079 5,000+ posts]

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted!

"Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all weekend"

How true //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif

http://www.williamhung.net/

- Steve