7 p.m.: History is made as Joba takes his first victorious steps out of the Yankee Stadium dugout as a starter. The stadium illuminates with flashbulbs, despite the early hour and the .085 percent chance that such photos will register as anything but a blur.
7:01 p.m.: Joba warms up on the mound. From the Yankee radio sanctum, impartial journalist Suzyn Waldman comments on Joba's "electric" warmup tosses. She notes his "thick, muscular thighs" and the rotation of his "surprisingly slender" hips. Broadcast partner John Sterling enthusiastically agrees, adding "Jumpin' Joltin' Jivin' Juicy Juggernaut Jujitsu Joba" to his confusing-catchphrase arsenal.
7:03 p.m.: Tynan reappears for a bloated six-minute version of the national anthem, proving once anew that the Yankees love freedom more than the Red Sox do. During the song, the so-respectful Joba removes his cap and bows his head.
7:09 p.m.: Triple Crown contender Big Brown is trotted out onto the field, literally and figuratively, to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. The horsie half-hoofs the ball toward the third-base line. The crowd reacts favorably.
7:11 p.m.: Joba strikes out David Eckstein, Aaron Hill and Alex Rios in a mere 10 pitches, baffling them with a diving fastball (nasty), a bowel-vacating change-up (nastier), a howitzer of a curve (nastier still) and his trademark kamikaze slider (think an underfed Sally Struthers). Only Eckstein, by virtue of his supreme talent, makes contact with a pitched ball. The Yankee Stadium crowd rises to its feet as Joba leaves the field, showering him with jewels and undergarments.
7:20 p.m.: After Jays starter Roy Halladay sets down the Yankees with an economical eight pitches in the bottom of the first, a Canadian ex-pat fan practically announces his ignorance by suggesting that Joba ranks as the second-most-able pitcher currently in the game. The hoser is pulled aside and beaten savagely by the hairy-knuckle contingent in Section 39.
7:26 p.m.: Rod Barajas' ground ball somehow penetrates the impervious Yankee infield defense. He becomes the answer to the future trivia question, "Which ridiculously lucky jerkhead player's fluke base hit was the first surrendered by 400-win Hall of Famer Joba Chamberlain as a starting pitcher?"
7:28 p.m.: A six-pitch walk to Joe Inglett? This cannot be happening. This cannot be happening. Suzyn Waldman attempts to impale herself on her scorecard pencil.
7:29 p.m.: Whew -- a double play. CNN cancels plans to break into its regular programming.
7:29 p.m.: Joba pumps his fist enthusiastically, prompting school-before-the-old-school Jays skipper John Gibbons to lose his crap. From the dugout, he chirps at Joba about "knowing your place" and "acting like you've been there before." He is immediately placed in protective custody.
7:38 p.m.: Lookie that -- the Yankees score a run off Halladay. That's something you don't see every night. Joba is credited with the RBI, despite having spent the half-inning in the clubhouse fielding congratulatory calls from world leaders and captains of industry.
7:57 p.m.: Joba throws three heaters past an overmatched designated hitter who does not resemble the recently released Frank Thomas. Somewhere north of the border, J.P. Ricciardi idly scratches his ***.
8:11 p.m.: Jason Giambi, slump-busting mustache and thong in tow, yanks a Halladay changeup into the shallow right-field stands to give the Yankees a 2-0 lead. Upon emerging from the dugout for his mandatory Yankee-does-something-half-OK curtain call, Giambi hears only murmurs. After a few concerned strokes of his 'stache, he retreats into the dugout and sends out Joba. The crowd goes bonkers.
8:28 p.m.: Joba throws his 71st and final pitch of the evening. It is a wonderful pitch, an otherworldly pitch, a cruel pitch, a slider. This slider is to all sliders that preceded it what Alec Baldwin is to Java Man, what brie is to Kraft American singles. It goes for a called third strike and Lyle Overbay retreats dugout-ward, demoralized. On his way off the field, Joba tips his cap ever-respectfully to the fans, who respond by lapsing into euphoria-induced seizures.
8:29 p.m.: The verdict? Joba Rules.
