Quick jokes...

[SpringfieldOhio 10+ year member]

BLONDE AND PREGNANT

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great, tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean "more"?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Priceline and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

 

[SpringfieldOhio 10+ year member]

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,

While flying around in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,

Then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong!

 

[EyezsoLow 10+ year member]

First Time ***..........>>

>> A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner

>> with her parents.

>>

>> Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

>> after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

>>

>> The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had *** before, so he takes a trip to

>> the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first

>> time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy

>> everything there is to know about condoms and ***.

>>

>> At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to

>> buy, a

>> 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because

>> he

>> thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

>>

>> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his

>> girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come

>> on in!'

>>

>> He is led to the table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

>> offers to say grace and bows his head.

>>

>> A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10

>> minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes

>> with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

>> 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

>>

>> The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a

>> pharmacist.'

LOL

 

[SpringfieldOhio 10+ year member]

not a funny but my mom sent all these to me and thought you guys might like this christmas tree

 

[SpringfieldOhio 10+ year member]

Redneck passed away and left his entire estate

To his beloved widow .

But she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

Redneck Cooler

How do you know when you're staying

In a Redneck hotel ? . .

When you call the front desk and say,

I gotta leak in my sink, and the

Clerk replies, Go ahead.

Redneck Cellar

How can you tell if a redneck is married ? . .

There's dried tobacco juice on both sides

Of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum

Drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?

It seems they want to keep alcohol

Out of the high schools.

Redneck Limo Camper

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a

Redneck murder . .

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There's no dental records

Redneck Mailbox

Who invented the toothbrush ? . .

A Redneck.

(If it had been invented by anyone else,

It would have been called a teeth brush.)

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

And says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ?' . .

And the driver replies 'Bout wut ?'

Redneck Time Out

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years

Redneck Wiener Roast

A new Redneck law was just recently passed .

When a couple gets divorced,

They are STILL cousins.

Redneck Wheelchair

Did you hear that the Redneck governor's

Mansion burned down ? . .

'Yep. Pert'near took out the whole trailer park,

Said the redneck, the library was a total loss too.

Both books went poof . . . Up in flames and the

Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'

.

A Redneck Thanksgiving

(if Norman Rockwell was a Redneck)

 

[SpringfieldOhio 10+ year member]

 

[anj46907 10+ year member]

omg this shit is killin me

 

[Caleb9107 10+ year member]

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite *** positions. One says, "Ever have rodeo ***?" "Ain't heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's!' and see how long you can hang on."

"They say that 50%of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death."

"it was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'But what's the dollar for?' 'Well,' she said, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.' He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' 'The breakfast was my idea.'

 

[SpringfieldOhio 10+ year member]

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7th PLACE:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6th PLACE:

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5th PLACE:

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, 8, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

4th PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr. Scratch, scratch.

3rd PLACE:

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2nd PLACE:

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1st PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos, please?)

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

 

[SpringfieldOhio 10+ year member]

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him

'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

 

[SpringfieldOhio 10+ year member]

Here is proof why men should never be allowed to order the wedding cake

 

[w00tah 10+ year member]

How many blacks does it take to pave a parking lot?

6 if you spread them thin enough.

What's the difference between a straight Nazi and a gay Nazi?

45 degrees.

If you don't get that second one, do the Nazi salute and think about it.

Kef

 

[armitank]

whats the only way to smile at a black man?

through the scope of a gun

 

[bizzy07 10+ year member]

First Time ***..........>>

>> A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner

>> with her parents.

>>

>> Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

>> after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

>>

>> The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had *** before, so he takes a trip to

>> the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first

>> time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy

>> everything there is to know about condoms and ***.

>>

>> At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to

>> buy, a

>> 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because

>> he

>> thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

>>

>> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his

>> girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come

>> on in!'

>>

>> He is led to the table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

>> offers to say grace and bows his head.

>>

>> A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10

>> minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes

>> with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

>> 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

>>

>> The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a

>> pharmacist.'

lol a family pack of condoms???

 

[Kern417 10+ year member]

are all the pictures missing or is it just me