davidfre21
5,000+ posts
Is just a lil racist...
pwnt
- Thread Starter
- #3
CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: ma n with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is ri ght, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: ma n with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is ri ght, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
- Thread Starter
- #4
A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"
The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"
The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.
i actually laughed out loud at those. pretty good. me likey! //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/biggrin.gif.d71a5d36fcbab170f2364c9f2e3946cb.gif
- Thread Starter
- #6
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have ***?"
"No." She answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
Yes." She replied.
Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
"No." She answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
Yes." She replied.
Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
- Thread Starter
- #7
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a ****ed
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a ****ed
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
- Thread Starter
- #8
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?!
-- Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?!
- Thread Starter
- #9
Subject: Hormones
>
>The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
>man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his
own
>hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
>license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
>other!!
>
> DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
> SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
> SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
> DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
> SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
> SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
> DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
> SAFER: What did I do wrong?
> SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
> DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
> SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
> SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
> DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
> SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
> SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
>
> 13 Things PMS Stands For:
> 1. Pass My Shotgun
> 2. Psychotic Mood Shift
> 3. Perpetual Munching Spree
> 4. Puffy Mid-Section
> 5. People Make me Sick
> 6. Provide Me with Sweets
> 7. Pardon My Sobbing
> 8. Pimples May Surface
> 9. Pass My Sweatpants
> 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
> 11. Plainly; Men ****
> 12. Pack My Stuff........And my favorite one...
> 13. Potential Murder Suspect
>
> Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who
might
>need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money
>talks...but chocolate sings.
>
> Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with
my
>mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to
>monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in
>a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
>he'll buy me diamonds. Here have some chocolate.
>
>The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
>man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his
own
>hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
>license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
>other!!
>
> DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
> SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
> SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
> DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
> SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
> SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
> DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
> SAFER: What did I do wrong?
> SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
> DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
> SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
> SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
> DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
> SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
> SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
>
> 13 Things PMS Stands For:
> 1. Pass My Shotgun
> 2. Psychotic Mood Shift
> 3. Perpetual Munching Spree
> 4. Puffy Mid-Section
> 5. People Make me Sick
> 6. Provide Me with Sweets
> 7. Pardon My Sobbing
> 8. Pimples May Surface
> 9. Pass My Sweatpants
> 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
> 11. Plainly; Men ****
> 12. Pack My Stuff........And my favorite one...
> 13. Potential Murder Suspect
>
> Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who
might
>need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money
>talks...but chocolate sings.
>
> Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with
my
>mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to
>monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in
>a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
>he'll buy me diamonds. Here have some chocolate.
- Thread Starter
- #10
> Blonde's Year in Review:
>
>
>
> January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
>
>
>
> February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
> labels....."duh"....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
>
>
>
> March - Got excited. ...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box
> said "2-4 years!"
>
>
>
> April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
>
>
>
> May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into
those
> little packets!!!
>
>
>
> June - Tried to go water skiing....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
>
>
>
> July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
> other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
>
>
>
> August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped,
because
> top was down.
>
>
>
> September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
>
>
>
> October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
>
>
>
> November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 > days.....instructions said 1
hour
> per pound and I weigh 108!!!
>
>
>
> December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button
> on the phone!!!
>
>
>
> January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
>
>
>
> February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
> labels....."duh"....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
>
>
>
> March - Got excited. ...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box
> said "2-4 years!"
>
>
>
> April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
>
>
>
> May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into
those
> little packets!!!
>
>
>
> June - Tried to go water skiing....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
>
>
>
> July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
> other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
>
>
>
> August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped,
because
> top was down.
>
>
>
> September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
>
>
>
> October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
>
>
>
> November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 > days.....instructions said 1
hour
> per pound and I weigh 108!!!
>
>
>
> December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button
> on the phone!!!
- Thread Starter
- #11
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"! No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your *** is for....
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"! No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your *** is for....
AllStar1500bd
5,000+ posts
Times have changed
Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."
Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."
Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
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