100+ reasons Why Chuck Norris is money

[Anthony Collova 10+ year member]

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Pi is not infinite. It stops when Chuck Norris tells it to.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having *** with his waitress

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

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[Anthony Collova 10+ year member]

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during ***. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during ***.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris can hear silence

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the **** he wants.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a ***** Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.

Chuck Norris owns a large private estate in the middle of the Atlantic. We know it as the Bermuda Triangle. Chuck Norris does not tolerate trespassers

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets because they know better.

Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table of the Elements because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is surprise.

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know **** well why.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. That’s why we celebrate Christmas.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with men because he is gay, he sleeps with men because he's already slept with all the women.

 

[Chevyaudio 5,000+ posts]

very cool facts, though I hate to say..repost

 

[Anthony Collova 10+ year member]

very cool facts, though I hate to say..repost

I figured it would be...

just didnt want to take the time to find out

ANT

 

[badm0f0 10+ year member]

Re Mother ****ing Post!!!!!!!

 

[trevor87 5,000+ posts]

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

^^haha

 

[Nukedsodapop 5,000+ posts]

There are some ones in there that havent been posted though, good ones

-Blake

 

[Chuck Norris 10+ year member]

These memories bring a tear to my eye. Great times!

 

[faulkton 5,000+ posts]

yeah, your hipness make me want to buy your product. good times

 

[soundstreamer 10+ year member]

chuck norris' favorite chuck norris jokes:

http://sptimes.com/2006/02/03/Worldandnation/Heard_the_one_about_C.shtml

 

[Anthony Collova 10+ year member]

yeah, your hipness make me want to buy your product. good times

wow, never sold a product because of my hipness before..something must be working

ANT

 

[faulkton 5,000+ posts]

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[johnecon2001 5,000+ posts]

Ant... you're giving AZ a bad name.

 

[wgaede 10+ year member]

Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

good one

 

[Anthony Collova 10+ year member]

Ant... you're giving AZ a bad name.

how so?