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- @spider monkey
well be at chipolte if we ever get there.
im out too guys, till next time, peace out
just for you guys... //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif
Why is anal *** better than vaginal ***?
It's tighter, warmer, and more degrading to women.
What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap the ***** and tell her to keep washing.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, the ***** should have it open when she brings it to you.
What's the first thing a battered wife should do when she get's out of the battered wife shelter?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her.
What's the useless piece of skin around a ***** called?
A woman.
What do women and Jell-O have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies?
The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
What's the best thing to give an 80 year old woman?
Mikey! - He'll eat anything.
What's the definition of a woman?
A life support system for a *****.
Why do women have arms?
Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs.
Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?
It's called UPMS - they deliver whenever the **** they feel like it.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None let the ***** work in the dark!
What do you need to tell a ***** with two black eyes?
a) Nothing, you already told her twice.
b) Your nose is next.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares? What the **** was the ***** doing out of the kitchen?
Why does a woman wear white on her wedding day?
So the dishwasher matches the washer and dryer.
Why do they name hurricanes after woman?
Becuase they're wet and wild when they come, but when they leave they take your house and your car.
What's the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
Why are women's feet shorter than men's?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
What did you do wrong if your ***** comes out of the kitchen yelling at you?
Made her leash too long.
Why did god give women legs?
a) So that they can walk from the bedroom to the kitchen.
b) So they don't leave a trail.
How long does it take a woman to clean the toilet?
Who cares, as long as dinner is on the table by 6.
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4: 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
What's the difference between a woman and a freezer?
A freezer does not fart when you pull your meat out.
What's the difference between a woman on the rag and a pitbull?
Lipstick
What's the difference between **** and a *****?
A **** will **** anyone, a ***** will **** anyone but me.
What's the similarity between a woman and spagetti?
They both squirm around when you eat them.
What's the similarity between a woman and a computer?
You never appreciate it fully until it goes down on you.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the **** thing.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The *** is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A bellybutton.
Why do women have breasts?
So men will talk to them.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with A man once told me...
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...At least he'll shut up after you let him in!
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the difference between a ***** and a ****?
A ***** is warm and moist. A **** is what owns it.
What's a clitoris? A female hood ornament.
What's the only bad thing about the 69 position?
The view.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?
Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.
Why did god give men penises?
So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the **** out of you.
Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
What's the white stuff you find in women's panties?
Clitty litter.
How do you know God meant for men to eat *****?
Why else would he make it look like a taco?
How can you tell if you've been ****ing your girl too much?
Stick your thumb in her ******* and your middle finger up her snatch, if you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.
How does a man know when he's eaten ***** well?
When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
It's Braille for **** here.
What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
Foreplay.
How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.
Why is a woman like a dog turd?
The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't to follow you around once you've used it.
How does a woman know that she is overweight?
She's lying at the beach and people from GreenPeace try to push her back into the sea.
How are women like screen doors?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How do you make a woman scream twice?
**** her in the ***, then wipe your dick on the drapes.
What's the most active muscle in a female?
My dick.
How do you tell if your woman is sexually aroused? Put your hand inside her panties it feels like a horse eating oats.
How are women like parking spaces?
The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
How are girls like rocks?
The flat ones are better to skip.
If you are having *** with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.
How do you make love to a fat chick?
******** in your hand and throw it at her.
Why do women close their eyes during ***?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
What do you call a Play boy centerfold that is a lesbian?
*****.
What do you say to a woman who can **** an orange through a water hose?
Darling.
Why is anal *** better than vaginal ***?
It's tighter, warmer, and more degrading to women.
What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap the ***** and tell her to keep washing.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, the ***** should have it open when she brings it to you.
What's the first thing a battered wife should do when she get's out of the battered wife shelter?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her.
What's the useless piece of skin around a ***** called?
A woman.
What do women and Jell-O have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies?
The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
What's the best thing to give an 80 year old woman?
Mikey! - He'll eat anything.
What's the definition of a woman?
A life support system for a *****.
Why do women have arms?
Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs.
Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?
It's called UPMS - they deliver whenever the **** they feel like it.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None let the ***** work in the dark!
What do you need to tell a ***** with two black eyes?
a) Nothing, you already told her twice.
b) Your nose is next.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares? What the **** was the ***** doing out of the kitchen?
Why does a woman wear white on her wedding day?
So the dishwasher matches the washer and dryer.
Why do they name hurricanes after woman?
Becuase they're wet and wild when they come, but when they leave they take your house and your car.
What's the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
Why are women's feet shorter than men's?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
What did you do wrong if your ***** comes out of the kitchen yelling at you?
Made her leash too long.
Why did god give women legs?
a) So that they can walk from the bedroom to the kitchen.
b) So they don't leave a trail.
How long does it take a woman to clean the toilet?
Who cares, as long as dinner is on the table by 6.
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4: 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
What's the difference between a woman and a freezer?
A freezer does not fart when you pull your meat out.
What's the difference between a woman on the rag and a pitbull?
Lipstick
What's the difference between **** and a *****?
A **** will **** anyone, a ***** will **** anyone but me.
What's the similarity between a woman and spagetti?
They both squirm around when you eat them.
What's the similarity between a woman and a computer?
You never appreciate it fully until it goes down on you.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the **** thing.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The *** is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A bellybutton.
Why do women have breasts?
So men will talk to them.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with A man once told me...
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...At least he'll shut up after you let him in!
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the difference between a ***** and a ****?
A ***** is warm and moist. A **** is what owns it.
What's a clitoris? A female hood ornament.
What's the only bad thing about the 69 position?
The view.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?
Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.
Why did god give men penises?
So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the **** out of you.
Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
What's the white stuff you find in women's panties?
Clitty litter.
How do you know God meant for men to eat *****?
Why else would he make it look like a taco?
How can you tell if you've been ****ing your girl too much?
Stick your thumb in her ******* and your middle finger up her snatch, if you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.
How does a man know when he's eaten ***** well?
When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
It's Braille for **** here.
What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
Foreplay.
How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.
Why is a woman like a dog turd?
The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't to follow you around once you've used it.
How does a woman know that she is overweight?
She's lying at the beach and people from GreenPeace try to push her back into the sea.
How are women like screen doors?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How do you make a woman scream twice?
**** her in the ***, then wipe your dick on the drapes.
What's the most active muscle in a female?
My dick.
How do you tell if your woman is sexually aroused? Put your hand inside her panties it feels like a horse eating oats.
How are women like parking spaces?
The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
How are girls like rocks?
The flat ones are better to skip.
If you are having *** with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.
How do you make love to a fat chick?
******** in your hand and throw it at her.
Why do women close their eyes during ***?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
What do you call a Play boy centerfold that is a lesbian?
*****.
What do you say to a woman who can **** an orange through a water hose?
Darling.
second part:
Why do women skydivers wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
How can you tell if a woman is really fat?
She goes to Japan, and the sumo wrestlers cower in fear.
How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?
She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.
Why is a woman's ***** like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?
Albert Einstein's dick.
Why are fat girls so much fun at country-western bars?
You can get them drunk and play the washboard on their chins.
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.
What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in common?
They both enjoy ****ing pigs.
What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his own.
What's the definition of a menstrual period?
A bloody waste of ****ing time.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a light bulb?
(Scream) IT JUST DOES!!
How can you tell if a woman really likes oral ***?
She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
How can you tell a woman has a huge ***?
You have to take a mule to get to the bottom of her crack.
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the ***** do it after she finishes the dishes.
How can a woman tell if her ***** really stinks?
A fly lands on it and throws up.
Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic ******* attempt?
She tried to harpoon herself.
Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Two small breasts and a bruised thigh.
How can you tell if a woman is flat-chested? She needs suspenders to hold up her bra.
What do you call a 300 pound woman?
Fat.
How can you tell a woman is really trashy?
She brings a date to her wedding.
How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.
How can you tell your wife is really gross?
One day she doesn't wear underwear and the dog pukes.
How do you know a woman is to fat?
Young lovers try to carve their initials into her leg.
How can you tell if a woman's cooking is really lousy?
Natives from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.
Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
That's what you have left after you take the PU out of *****.
Why do women have two holes?
So when they get drunk you can carry them like a six-pack.
How are clams like women?
When the red tide comes you don't eat them.
Why do women have belly buttons?
To hold your gum on the way down.
Why should the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fight like animals and retained water for four days.
Why is a fat woman like a moped?
They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want you're friends to see you on either one.
Why can't you trust women?
How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
Ten minutes of silence.
How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose?
a) Her ankles swell up when she farts.
b) Her toes curl each time you thrust.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
How do you get a feminist out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Why did Helen Keller use two hands to **********?
One to do it and one to moan.
Why do women skydivers wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
How can you tell if a woman is really fat?
She goes to Japan, and the sumo wrestlers cower in fear.
How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?
She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.
Why is a woman's ***** like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?
Albert Einstein's dick.
Why are fat girls so much fun at country-western bars?
You can get them drunk and play the washboard on their chins.
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.
What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in common?
They both enjoy ****ing pigs.
What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his own.
What's the definition of a menstrual period?
A bloody waste of ****ing time.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a light bulb?
(Scream) IT JUST DOES!!
How can you tell if a woman really likes oral ***?
She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
How can you tell a woman has a huge ***?
You have to take a mule to get to the bottom of her crack.
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the ***** do it after she finishes the dishes.
How can a woman tell if her ***** really stinks?
A fly lands on it and throws up.
Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic ******* attempt?
She tried to harpoon herself.
Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Two small breasts and a bruised thigh.
How can you tell if a woman is flat-chested? She needs suspenders to hold up her bra.
What do you call a 300 pound woman?
Fat.
How can you tell a woman is really trashy?
She brings a date to her wedding.
How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.
How can you tell your wife is really gross?
One day she doesn't wear underwear and the dog pukes.
How do you know a woman is to fat?
Young lovers try to carve their initials into her leg.
How can you tell if a woman's cooking is really lousy?
Natives from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.
Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
That's what you have left after you take the PU out of *****.
Why do women have two holes?
So when they get drunk you can carry them like a six-pack.
How are clams like women?
When the red tide comes you don't eat them.
Why do women have belly buttons?
To hold your gum on the way down.
Why should the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fight like animals and retained water for four days.
Why is a fat woman like a moped?
They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want you're friends to see you on either one.
Why can't you trust women?
How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
Ten minutes of silence.
How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose?
a) Her ankles swell up when she farts.
b) Her toes curl each time you thrust.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
How do you get a feminist out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Why did Helen Keller use two hands to **********?
One to do it and one to moan.
DBfan187
5,000+ posts
Supa's mom was here!
----THE MUFFIN MAN----
The Muffin Man Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man, That lives on Drury Lane?
Oh, yes, I know the muffin man,
The muffin man , the muffin man,
Oh, yes, I know the muffin man,
That lives on Drury Lane.
----THE END----
Now, do YOU know the Muffin Man?//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif
The Muffin Man Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man, That lives on Drury Lane?
Oh, yes, I know the muffin man,
The muffin man , the muffin man,
Oh, yes, I know the muffin man,
That lives on Drury Lane.
----THE END----
Now, do YOU know the Muffin Man?//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif
That was 16000???
Idiots...//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/rolleyes.gif.c1fef805e9d1464d377451cd5bc18bfb.gif
Johnny Drama
5,000+ posts
Banned
Those were great Acid
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