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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Acidburn" data-source="post: 840476" data-attributes="member: 551463">just for you guys... //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif Why is anal *** better than vaginal ***? It's tighter, warmer, and more degrading to women. What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? The back of my hand. What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down? Slap the ***** and tell her to keep washing. How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None, the ***** should have it open when she brings it to you. What's the first thing a battered wife should do when she get's out of the battered wife shelter? The dishes if she knows whats good for her. What's the useless piece of skin around a ***** called? A woman. What do women and Jell-O have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them. What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts. What's the best thing to give an 80 year old woman? Mikey! - He'll eat anything. What's the definition of a woman? A life support system for a *****. Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean? What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her legs. Did you hear about the new all female delivery service? It's called UPMS - they deliver whenever the **** they feel like it. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? None let the ***** work in the dark! What do you need to tell a ***** with two black eyes? a) Nothing, you already told her twice. b) Your nose is next. Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares? What the **** was the ***** doing out of the kitchen? Why does a woman wear white on her wedding day? So the dishwasher matches the washer and dryer. Why do they name hurricanes after woman? Becuase they're wet and wild when they come, but when they leave they take your house and your car. What's the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. What is love? The delusion that one woman differs from another. What is the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks. Why did God create lesbians? So feminists couldn't breed. Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell. How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them. Why are women's feet shorter than men's? So they can stand closer to the sink. What did you do wrong if your ***** comes out of the kitchen yelling at you? Made her leash too long. Why did god give women legs? a) So that they can walk from the bedroom to the kitchen. b) So they don't leave a trail. How long does it take a woman to clean the toilet? Who cares, as long as dinner is on the table by 6. How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb? 4: 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. What's the difference between a woman and a freezer? A freezer does not fart when you pull your meat out. What's the difference between a woman on the rag and a pitbull? Lipstick What's the difference between **** and a *****? A **** will **** anyone, a ***** will **** anyone but me. What's the similarity between a woman and spagetti? They both squirm around when you eat them. What's the similarity between a woman and a computer? You never appreciate it fully until it goes down on you. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner? Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the **** thing. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The *** is the same, but the dishes pile up. What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't? A bellybutton. Why do women have breasts? So men will talk to them. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with A man once told me... Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...At least he'll shut up after you let him in! What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told! What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. What's the difference between a ***** and a ****? A ***** is warm and moist. A **** is what owns it. What's a clitoris? A female hood ornament. What's the only bad thing about the 69 position? The view. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure. Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt. Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up! What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the **** out of you. Why did God give women nipples? To make suckers out of men. Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? She was a woman. What's the white stuff you find in women's panties? Clitty litter. How do you know God meant for men to eat *****? Why else would he make it look like a taco? How can you tell if you've been ****ing your girl too much? Stick your thumb in her ******* and your middle finger up her snatch, if you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little. How does a man know when he's eaten ***** well? When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage. Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? It's Braille for **** here. What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose? Foreplay. How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons. Why is a woman like a dog turd? The older it is, the easier it is to pick up. What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet doesn't to follow you around once you've used it. How does a woman know that she is overweight? She's lying at the beach and people from GreenPeace try to push her back into the sea. How are women like screen doors? Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up. What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. How do you make a woman scream twice? **** her in the ***, then wipe your dick on the drapes. What's the most active muscle in a female? My dick. How do you tell if your woman is sexually aroused? Put your hand inside her panties it feels like a horse eating oats. How are women like parking spaces? The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped. How are girls like rocks? The flat ones are better to skip. If you are having *** with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? You come in one and go in the other. How do you make love to a fat chick? ******** in your hand and throw it at her. Why do women close their eyes during ***? They can't stand to see a man having a good time. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money. What do you call a Play boy centerfold that is a lesbian? *****. What do you say to a woman who can **** an orange through a water hose? Darling. </blockquote>

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