The street sweeper

[geardownson 10+ year member]

Some of you may have already seen this But for those who havent...

Basically these are the stories of a street sweeper.(the guy that cleans parking lots an such) Some are pretty good. I found this one pretty dam funnah

Rematch: Bruiser vs. Ricers, Part 1!

A different night than the last story; a different town even.

Unfortunately, idiocy knows no geographic boundaries.

In my town, during the summer, when the days are hot and the nights are muggy, a battle is waged. During the day, the streets of my fair town are owned by workers, yuppie commuters, and traffic stacked so long it takes you 30 minutes to go 2 miles.

But during the night, oh the glorious night, the streets are laid siege by various factions.

Service workers: Parking lot sweepers, Main road sweepers, delivery trucks, road crews.

The Law: Brave men and women sworn to protect and serve. They go easy on Service workers because we're busy running place to place and often have to practice "Creative Driving" to get there on time.

Drunks: Only appear during the "Blitz". The "Blitz" occurs every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights at 3 am. After the liquor stores are long closed and the bars are shutting down, my streets see an influx of drunk driving like never before.

The Kids: High School is out, the weather is warm, and the Yuppie spawn gather in empty lots. They spend their parents' money on body mods and "performance" parts for late model Japanese cars. They own the entire Fast and the Furious collection and ******** onto a poster of Paul Walker... hourly.

Now that you have the full picture of summer nights, I want to start at the beginning.

A good friend of mine, JD, had just graduated from Nashville Auto Diesel College (NADC)a few weeks previous. Simply put, he knew his poo poo about all things automotive.

Bruiser! Hey, they gave you a new truck, right?

Well, as new as they come.

What kind is it

It's a 2004 Chevy chassis, 110k on the odo.

Heavy duty?

Of course

Are you finished with work for tonight? (it was about 10pm)

Well, being that a rouge low pressure is spinning over head, kicking up 30 mile and hour winds, dumping rain so hard the entire mid-state is under a flash flood warning, and I double bagged my cans last night, Yes. Yes I am.

What are you doing right now?

Riding the clock like a two dollar *****.

Swing by my house.

I finished up the last remaining cans and sped over to his place. The garage door opened up and he motioned me in. We shook hands and shot the poo poo for a few minutes. And then he looked at me conspiratorially.

I want you to take a look at something.

Sure, what is it.

He threw a cloth back along the far work bench. Under it was a set of devices.

These babies connect to the computer in your truck and let me... do stuff.

Do stuff? Are you going to surprise *** my truck, JD?

No, this one will let me adjust things like your fuel injection system and, these other do other various things that you don't know about. I just got them off of eBay and I'm dying to try them out.

Cute. But what's the point?

I want to make you go fast.

I like the way you think.

One more thing.

And he pulls a loving cold air intake out of a box.

What the gently caress?

This is off of my old truck. It's close, but I can make this work.

How long will all of this take?

The tuning part won't take long at all. I can finish it before you head back later tonight. That low isn't moving off anytime soon and there's a poo poo load of rain moving up from the Gulf. 5 gets you 10 that you're going to be in the same situation tomorrow night. Show back up and I'll drop this in here for you.

And that's exactly how it happened. I cooked the books on my logs, smoked cigarettes, and relaxed the rest of the night. Sure as poo poo, the rain didn't move off and the wind kept my properties fairly clean the next night. I showed up, repeated, and finally JD looked up at me under the hood.

Mwahahahaha!

She's done?

Let's take her out.

And boy did we take her out. I jammed down on the gas and the truck screamed down his neighborhood. I took it out on the interstate and reached a hair under a buck ten. This. Was. Amazing.

And little did I know, I would need everything this truck had....

__________________

Click to read more...

 

[geardownson 10+ year member]

Rematch: Bruiser vs. Ricers, Pt.2

Oh, trust me, it was stupid.

But it was that special kind of stupid where you look at the situation, you analyze the situation, and you come to the startling realization that you have to get involved. It is my hope that my actions taught these teens a lesson.

It had been two days since JD tuned my truck. Other than burning through fuel at a phenomenal rate, I didn't really get a chance to use my truck to her full potential. I was running my short route on a Friday, desperately wanting the weekend. I pulled onto one of my lots.

You have GOT to be loving kidding me.

The entire thing was covered in cars. Loud music, flashing lights, it was if bull**** was attacking all five of my senses. There must have been about 100 teenagers. It was like I stumbled upon a car club for the mentally challenged. To say that I got looks is like saying that the Pacific Ocean is damp. It was like I was a Martian that had just crash landed into their little world. I parked in the middle of them all and hopped out.

Can I help you, sir?

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!

Excuse me, sir?

Christ, knock off the sir poo poo, I'm 20.

You look a lot older.

I've been living hard. Who is in charge?

I guess that would be Brent. He's up front in the red Civic hatchback.

Thanks for your help. You get to live.

What?!

Nothing.

I hopped back in and rolled over to the red Civic hatchback. It was your standard Ricer affair. Red paint, huge loving muffler that served no purpose, stickers for things that he didn't have under the hood, and my personal favorite, gauges that serve no purpose. I hopped back out and walked up to the biggest douche I've ever seen. This kid had three, count 'em, three pastel collared shirts.

All of them were popped.

I saw those popped collars as a personal insult to everything holy and pure.

You Brent?

Depends.

*exaggerated sigh* Fine, I'll play. What does it depend on?

Who wants to know?

Your friendly neighborhood street sweeper. I'm here to tell you that you, that hunk of poo poo you drive, and all of your friends are going to leave.

Excuse me?

I know you're dumb, but are you deaf too, Brent?

gently caress off.

No, I don't believe I will.

Do you know who my father is?

Brent, I could give a good ******* who your father is. I don't care if he's the savior Lord Jesus Christ himself, risen from the dead to deliver us from evil. You're going to leave on way or the other.

I'd like to see you try.

Well, I could make a phone call and have the law run you off. But you know what? I've got a better idea. I'll race you down Broad, up Main, around the Square, and back out again. You win, I'll leave you alone for the night. I win, you and your friends hit the loving bricks.

You've got to be making GBS threads me.

I may be many things, Scooter, But I most certainly am not making GBS threads you.

You're racing with what? THAT!?

At this point I had rolled down the window and clipped a Jolly Roger window flag to the truck.

Har Har Harrrrrrrrrrrr

You're nuts.

Yeah, pretty much. LET'S GO!

The scene was comical. His souped up Civic, my lumbering beast of cleanitude. We were revving our engines at the exit of the parking lot. A scantily clad young lady walked between us with a handkerchief. I rolled down my window and tied a red bandanna around my head.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

You're not going to be laughing for very long!

I reached over and flipped on my blinky light on top of the truck.

Eat poo poo and die, yuppie scum!

The chick dropped the handkerchief and, once again, the race was on. Due to the weight differences between the two vehicles, the Civic got the early jump on me. Broad St. is just as the name implies, Long and wide (how I like my women? Ew).

I dropped the proverbial hammer. I could almost sense the fuel jetting into the engine at a fast rate. The cold air intake was ramming fresh air to the beast under the hood. I hit 90 and she kept climbing. I was pulling up on his rear quarter panel. We caught the green at the corner of Broad and Main, and took the sharp left to the square. I then found out that my truck cornered like the HMS Dreadnought and lost some ground. We sped around the square and approached Broad again. Not wanting to be too dangerous, we stopped at a red light.

Wellll, Broad St has three lanes to each side. Scooter was taking up the right most lane, I was in the middle, and a Police officer pulled up next to me in the left. Because of the direction he approached and the size of my truck, the poor boy next to me didn't see the Officer. I revved my engine and looked over at Scooter.

*****!

It was the perfect set up.

He furrowed his brow and stomped on the gas.

Before the light changed.

He tore rear end down the road and the Officer was not far behind him. The light turned green and I rolled slowly by the now pulled over Civic. The officer shot me a wave and went back to writing the kid a ticket. I pulled back into the lot much to the dismay of his friends. The general look of the crowd could only be summed up as Shock and Awe.

I started my sweeperly duties with everyone just staring at me. About 5 minutes later, the cop showed up, lights ablaze, and got over the PA system from the car.

CHILDREN! GO HOME! YOUR LEADER WAS BEATEN BY A STREET SWEEPER! YOU ARE NOW SHAMED! LEAVE OR BE ARRESTED! I *WILL* IMPOUND YOUR poo poo!

I was in tears along the curb line. Cars started speeding out and dispersing when the officer pulled up.

Hey, nice set up back there.

Thanks, I'm here to help keep the streets clean.

Nice! Just do me a favor. Next time you go down Broad Street at 3:30 in the morning, let's make sure it's not at 97 miles an hour.

No problem, sir!

 

[rotciv005 10+ year member]

too much for me to read...

 

[geardownson 10+ year member]

too much for me to read...

I got the attention span of a gnat an it kept me reading. Trust me its good..

 

[regal8r 5,000+ posts]

lol pretty funny

 

[dvrmstrng 5,000+ posts]

haha worth the read....just what i needed before bed...gnight

 

[Prowler573 5,000+ posts]

Yep - definitely worth the read.

Herein lies the advantage in being used to long posts because I regularly make them.

Since I do it myself I don't mind reading other poster's long, drawn-out contributions if the reading proves worth it. //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif

 

[CRAZYCORNUTS18 10+ year member]

Yep - definitely worth the read.Herein lies the advantage in being used to long posts because I regularly make them.

Since I do it myself I don't mind reading other poster's long, drawn-out contributions if the reading proves worth it. //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif

yes but yours are usally the explanation of of many asked questions on ca.com mot peeps just know the answer, you explain the reasoning behind the answer so your posts are tolerable

 

[Tiger Bass 5,000+ posts]

fuckin hillarious

 

[dumple 5,000+ posts]

lool the whole time im reading that im saying to myself THE STREET SWEEEPER IS IN THE BUILDING REPEAT THE STREET SWEEPER IS IN THE BUILDING

 

[delvryboy 5,000+ posts]

good stuff. I used to drive one of those beasts back when I was 19. Oh the stories....

 

[hoss 5,000+ posts]

maybe ill read it later.

 

[mjf 10+ year member]

amazing.

 

[IamDeMan 5,000+ posts]

I'll wait for the movie.

 

[theCybe 5,000+ posts]

good story //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/smile.gif.1ebc41e1811405b213edfc4622c41e27.gif