st8 spittin

[Gauntlet 5,000+ posts]

I didn't like that one nearly as much as your other ones morgan....quite a few lines in it sounded very forced.

 

[jemorgan85 10+ year member]

I've been around....most shit I've seen on this whole forum is a bunch of amateur enthusiasts trying to sound like they know something, thus I decided to write about my life.

 

[jemorgan85 10+ year member]

I didn't like that one nearly as much as your other ones morgan....quite a few lines in it sounded very forced.

I appreciate the honesty, but what do you mean by 'forced'?

I really was aiming to tell a story there, didn't pay as much attention to prose as usual.

 

[Gauntlet 5,000+ posts]

I appreciate the honesty, but what do you mean by 'forced'?I really was aiming to tell a story there, didn't pay as much attention to prose as usual.

The past of this young boy wasn't made to be rehashedBut this is the lyrical story of the pain that amassed

The first line says this story wasn' meant to be brought back up again, yet the entire piece does this. Are these lines just here to introduce the topic? If so, ditch it, and just get right to the meat and potatoes. Or does the writing in some way act as a form of therapy? If so, tie this ideology into the piece somehow.

He gave up, misunderstood at the bright age of 16Supposed to be the best years, yet became anything but clean

Gave up on what? Life? Love? School? And the second part of the last line doesn't do anything to superficially tie into the contradiction you're trying to make about these years being the best of his life...it sounds it was just dropped in there because it rhymes.

Confused and distressed, he delved into the eyes of a singleSo perfect yet so tainted, he sheltered her pain like a shingle

What was so perfect yet so tainted? The girl? Him? His feelings for her? And how did he become so confused and distressed? Knowing things like this would help understand where the character is coming from.

It pained the boy to see her hidden agendaTaunted with the facts, to be lax wasn't worth the splenda

What was her hidden agenda that hurt him? What facts were taunting him? The fact that she didn't want him? If so, expound on that a little.

He spent all his time, only trying to further impressLike a mother with a newborn, her face he wanted to caress

It seems as though the last parts of both these lines where phrased backwards in order to rhyme....it just doesn't sound "right" to me.

One day her mind had a faint flicker of changeThe kid got a taste of reality, and his tongue was bathed in her soft range

The sweet smell he had so longed was tasted

But only to be destroyed the next day, his struggle to be wasted

This is me nitpicking, but oh well. If this kid had such strong feelings for her that were unreciprocated, when she changes her mind, I think that would constitute as something stronger than a "faint flicker." And tell us what happened the next day, and why all the time he spent was wasted. And he finally tasted the sweet smell? //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/confused.gif.e820e0216602db4765798ac39d28caa9.gif

Like the ancient Aztec empire, his emotions were overtaken with a simple planThus his blushing dimple faded and jaded was his new reprimand

Haha...the Aztec part sounds so out of context here. And you don't help the reader understand the correlation by explaining what the simple plan is.

She told him of those who tasted the sweetest taste she could offerLike teasing a homeless dog, she held in front of his face her water

Again, the last part of the second line is phrased backwards...and just a few lines ago you already talked about the whole taste thing...maybe try to find a new to describe what you want to convey.

Then the time came to finally depart from his former worldThree hours north brought on his conceited life, his revenge to be hurled

This is one of my pet peeves, but I just hate it when people try to rhyme either 'hurled' or 'unfurled' with world. It just comes off as though the writer wasn't trying his/her hardest.

But he felt better thinking everyone to be beneathOnly to find himself more misearable under the facade he bequeathed

Bequeath sounds really forced here, and doesn't make much sense in context....to bequeath means to give something onto the next generation, but you're talking about the facade he created for himself.

Lost as ever, this young man plans his futureJust then he realizes the one who can mend his suture

I have the same pet peeve with 'future' as I do with 'world'....since there are so few words that truly rhyme with it, I can see it coming a mile away. Instead of writing your second line trying to force a rhyme with future, try changing the way you describe him planning what lies ahead of him...

One he made fun of, as a conceited high school seniorHe thought he was too good, but underneath she crept to his demeanor

She has always known that they should be together

But his negligence led them to both be miserable....almost forever

It seems as though you're talking about a different girl...this is a pretty big part of your piece, but I'm underwhelmed because you didn't mention any of this before/didn't adequately lead up to this moment.

Until that one fateful day when he made his valiant leapHe started a relationship and alleviated her of her creep

Who's her creep?

Now they've been together for almost two yearsThe time has gone so fast, another 50 will bring more tears

Again, sounds forced to me...I don't really know how to describe, just doesn't sound right to me.

Remember, this is all constructive criticism. I wouldn't spend this much time critiquing a piece if I didn't think the writer was capable of making improvements.

 

[PV Audio 5,000+ posts]

morgan, happens to me too. gauntlet, are you a writer or did u like major in english or someothing.

 

[PV Audio 5,000+ posts]

i hate the way the lights bounce off my reflection

its dark in my soul, i get a black perception

im put in a room and become a mourner

of my confusion of being stuck in the former

its a circular room without any doors

im told to pee in the corner but not on the floor

what is happening as my mind progresses

no one realizes my true skills or my successes

why must we be like this with pain warmer than blood

disrepect me and dirty my mind with mud

but there is a place where i can be saved

my mind will no longer be enslaved

i can see the light and get into my cranium

my pride is light and stong, mental titanium

but the depressive thoughts happen to siphon my pain

into rivulets of terror and cold hearted rain

but my invisible monster has yet to be slain

because he makes it hard to breathe

cut my life out surly, agains the grain

 

[PV Audio 5,000+ posts]

i peer out the window and see a little man

hes standing in the rain with blood in his hand,

he throws it at the glass expecting me to see,

what appears is a primitive reflection of me,

he moves away from the glass and reaches into his pocket,

he pulls out a gun a murduous locket,

shoots at me expecting me to flinch,

i stand there perched like a paralyzed finch,

when the bullet enters my skull i see colors,

pictures of families and sisters and brothers, i

am not dead from the shot he sent,

the man outside is me, i need to repent

 

[limitkid7 5,000+ posts]

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/offtopic.gif.470a8b0541c72322a0037f48a8237473.gif time to really spit - up a level

 

[limitkid7 5,000+ posts]

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/popcorn.gif.32dd9e22fd77e77bc3c907062768fcd2.gif

i'm not a g i'm dub c

if you forget to say my name just remember i'm tha cat w/the winning streak

not known in the streets but yet in ya mind

i'll catch ya sayin my rhyme as ya drive by

i gots the answer brotha

if it wasn't for ya motha it'd be ya wife / her life / my knife/ your throat - on monday night - dropped to the ground quoted suscide

and ya still can't figure out the g

i drive the car so swiftly u shoulda never rolled up next to me

its a red light but u acting like its bout to turn green "u watch as i leave" was writtin on ur mirror as if u were in a dream

i didn't have 2do shyt but open the door

walked over to ya car cut ur throat / heard ya last choke / ya had a stroke but i couldn't let ya die/ it was the pain that u needed to feel inside so i'll end this rap and be sure to murrder ya again on the next rhyme

still chew'n //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/popcorn.gif.32dd9e22fd77e77bc3c907062768fcd2.gif

 

[squeak9798 5,000+ posts]

LOL.........let this goofy white kid give it a try //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/biggrin.gif.d71a5d36fcbab170f2364c9f2e3946cb.gif

I'll take your girl

Look deep into her eyes

Sing her sweet songs

Then slide between her thighs

Rockin' back and forth

She'll be moaning the whole night

By dawn I'll sneak back out

As to not cause a fight

I'm not in it for love

Not trying to steal your honey

But you can't please your girl

And god damn I'm horny

But with your broke ass

She keep callin' me for money

Tell her "**** my dick good

and you just might get lucky"

Bitch got too expensive

So I broke it off with her

Found a new trick who

I believe you call mother

But the pussy was too loose

Like fukin' a jar of Mayo

Might have stayed longer

If she wasn't such a hoe

The last thing I need

Is to be catchin' STDs

I am white as snow

And realize I can't rhyme

But luckily for you

I just ran out of time //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif

Ok, I normally write serious, meaningful poems.......but that one was just for fun //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/peace.gif.2db28b618ed8d1964ebbe2f5021d2c39.gif

 

[limitkid7 5,000+ posts]

i peer out the window and see a little man hes standing in the rain with blood in his hand,

he throws it at the glass expecting me to see,

what appears is a primitive reflection of me,

he moves away from the glass and reaches into his pocket,

he pulls out a gun a murduous locket,

shoots at me expecting me to flinch,

i stand there perched like a paralyzed finch,

when the bullet enters my skull i see colors,

pictures of families and sisters and brothers, i

am not dead from the shot he sent,

the man outside is me, i need to repent

little did you know it was me

standing in the window just finished destroy'n ya family

waitin for u to come home so i can make it a crew of 3

ya mom, ya dad and now u - wow i'm on a killing spree

first i'll murder ya rhyme then i'll look in ya face and shoot u w/my nine

u act as though u so hard but if u think u gon represent ya city u'll be burried like biggie

whoa u wake up and realize it was just a dream

yet you look at the reflection of yourself and realize my words are reality

its not a mirror you see but its you laid to rest for fuc'n w/a killa on a murder'n spree

and if u try to speak u'll be punnished again/

no need to repent u're already ****ed for ur sins/

time for me to grab my nine and make it 10

 

[limitkid7 5,000+ posts]

leavin my mind on the edge everything's about to fallu tried to trip me up when i climbed the f*cking wall

but tried is all u did cuz i reached the other side

u went behind to hide when u went around and lied

but the pain is in the past but the memory resides

it eats away my thoughts and its greater than the tides

i told ya once and twice but the sh*t u said is deep

i'm on a higher level but the path to this was steep

when i look down on your face all u do is weep and frown

i wish the clouds would fall and the rain would keep u down

DROWN BIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!...now its over...

wtf u talkin bout??????/ //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/veryexcited.gif.c26a15f316d23068607f36ddacd7a7ab.gif

 

[limitkid7 5,000+ posts]

piece together the broken parts of underlying trustthe picture is scattered only left for human lust

can't sort this out alone so i sink until i drown

its hard to breath but don't ya know i'm six feet under ground

my heart that beat with yours fades away till it dies

ya overcompensated what you said were only lies

i know its time, but i dont wanna see it end this way

your eyes they pierce my mind, pierce the night until its day

i'm gonna turn around til i fall away from you

my thoughts will still remain of all those things that we do

the path i've chosen here will prove hard but its true

we'll never see each other, lightness fades a grey hue

c'mon i want some critique on my rhymes...

ummmmm //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/confused.gif.e820e0216602db4765798ac39d28caa9.gif i just don't have a light blub yet

 

[limitkid7 5,000+ posts]

LOL.........let this goofy white kid give it a try //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/biggrin.gif.d71a5d36fcbab170f2364c9f2e3946cb.gif

I'll take your girl

Look deep into her eyes

Sing her sweet songs

Then slide between her thighs

Rockin' back and forth

She'll be moaning the whole night

By dawn I'll sneak back out

As to not cause a fight

I'm not in it for love

Not trying to steal your honey

But you can't please your girl

And god damn I'm horny

But with your broke ass

She keep callin' me for money

Tell her "**** my dick good

and you just might get lucky"

Bitch got too expensive

So I broke it off with her

Found a new trick who

I believe you call mother

But the pussy was too loose

Like fukin' a jar of Mayo

Might have stayed longer

If she wasn't such a hoe

The last thing I need

Is to be catchin' STDs

I am white as snow

And realize I can't rhyme

But luckily for you

I just ran out of time //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif

Ok, I normally write serious, meaningful poems.......but that one was just for fun //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/peace.gif.2db28b618ed8d1964ebbe2f5021d2c39.gif

my wife/ ya motha / u tried/ i f* her

had u and now ya little brotha

destroyed them both and now u runnin 4 cover

 

[pj_chevy03 10+ year member]

ummmmm //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/confused.gif.e820e0216602db4765798ac39d28caa9.gif i just don't have a light blub yet

**** i thought everyone had them now?????????

no seriously i dont ask u to understand my rhymes, just some critique from anyone who wants to criticize or complement...

but i do understand what your sayin in your rhymes...basically because u repeat yourself sayin your a killa and a pimp in every rhyme.... //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/veryexcited.gif.c26a15f316d23068607f36ddacd7a7ab.gif