My cat's on acid...

[Ferendon 10+ year member]

I found this story about 2 years ago and it still makes me laugh until I cry.

I had no intention of getting a cat.

I had every intention of buying a Christmas tree.

This is how it started:

I am home, alone, putting up ornaments in a vain

attempt to feel like there is something special about

December besides less bums on the street and less BO

on the metro.

My first tree. Smells great. Looks pretty good. I tied

it to the car myself.

But, it seems to be vibrating. Just slightly.

I reach the center of the tree and feel fur. Now I am

not a complete wimp but this is unexpected and scares

the shit out of me. So I scream.

And my new cat says "meow".

I named him Scrooge. I think it's a him. I bought him

food and a scratching post and litter and the box that

comes with it and small fake mice he ignores and I am

thinking maybe it will be nice to have a pet that

lives longer than my plants.

But he is ****ing insane.

He attacks me at every opportunity. People think I am

suicidal due to the scratches on my forearms. I own no

socks without holes. I can't sleep at night because I

know that little ****er is waiting. He sits in the

dark, quite and docile. Just when my breathing gets

shallow and even and I begin to drift off to peaceful

slumber, he attacks.

My feet seem to be his nemesis. And he is relentless.

He likes to wait under the couch when I get home. He

waits until I have taken off my shoes and streach my

weary toes before jumping out and diggin claws sharper

than Gods wit into my flesh.

Then he runs.

And he is fast.

If I am not paying enough attention he will jump to my

waist and scale my body like I was Everest until he

reaches my shoulder at which point he screams:

"Meaow!"

I love him. And I think I am going to kill him.

He has unseen enemies that plauge his existance.

I know because he will run around my apartment in a

frenzy careening off of every possible surface. His

little eyes wide. His little sphere-shaped head aware

of movements in the furnature I cannot perceive. I

imagine it is how I would act were you to shove a

red-hot coal in my *** and blame it on everything in

sight.

When he is actually still long enough for me to pet

him, it is only a matter of minutes before his little

ears go flat and he grabs my arm. He bites and uses

his rear legs to scratch my skin as if it were a lotto

ticket.

He is terrified of my basketball. I have no idea what

great injustice a simarly looking basketball has done

him in his past, but Christ, he hates that thing.

And plugs. He is not afraid of the vaccume (I have no

idea how you spell that) but he hates the plug that

goes to the wall. I can not afford the electrical tape

to satisfy his prejudice.

Sometimes he just stares at me. And I wonder how he is

planning my demise.

If I lay on the floor and look at him, he will run

full speed and colide with my head. Then he will look

at me like I am an ******* and run away. Back to the

safety of under my bed where he will wait until I am

***** and unprotected to seek his revenge.

If I try to read the paper when I am home he will

attack the page. I have no idea what is going on in

the world.

I take a shit and he sticks his little arms under the

door. He knows I shit when I get home. Its usually

quiet in there and this gives me a small heart attack

every time. He will run into the bathroom as soon as

he hears my key in the door. I have to tease him with

a treat and run to close the door before he can get in

there with me. This is what I am reduced to.

He is in love with my left work shoe and will defend

it with passion every morning. Only the left one. I

have no idea why. No other shoe precipitates such

adoration from him.

I do not understand this creature.

But I like it when he purrs. I don't know where that

sound comes from, but it's great.

He is now in a vicious, losing battle with the string

that pulls my window blinds. And there go my blinds.

Now, I am sure, he has retreated to under my bed. Only

to wait to inflict further dmage to my ravished

ankles.

My cat is Paranoid Scitzophrenic. He is Bipolar. Manic

Depressive.

Maybe he is a she. Somehow that would make so much

more sense.

I love that little ****er, but I think I am going to

have to kill him.

Or her.

Click to read more...

 

[Skatin Houston 10+ year member]

LMFAO....alot of the things metioned are ****in true!!!!

 

[RipDaJacka]

funny man.. He bites and uses

his rear legs to scratch my skin as if it were a lotto

ticket. great

 

[CRAZYCORNUTS18 10+ year member]

great use of the english language

 

[brtnboarder3241 5,000+ posts]

I take a shit and he sticks his little arms under the

door. He knows I shit when I get home.

lmfao..i can picture that..lol

 

[southstylestang 10+ year member]

reminds me so much of my cat when we first got him. get up at night to get somthing to drink and the fuker would hide in the shadows and swat at my feet when i walked by. or lay there next to me untill i dozed off and then........my face was fuked b/c i started snoring.

 

[Imtjnotu 5,000+ posts]

this further make me think of why i ****in hate cats

 

[Ku-sama]

great story

 

[Louisiana_CRX 5,000+ posts]

funny story...lol

 

[goodstuff 10+ year member]

 

[Flipx99 5,000+ posts]

I want a cat.

 

[MikeofTulsa Moderator]

i have a cat. and she is a b!tch, she likes to wait till im asleep and then use my face as a launchpad to jump to higher places in my room. of course if i catch her when she does this i throw her on top of my sleeping dog and she will try to eat her. but unfortunatly she is too fast. dog usually gets a good bite or 2 in before the cat is out or reach.

 

[Imtjnotu 5,000+ posts]

i would have killed that **** thing the first time it attacked me

 

[jdawg 5,000+ posts]

I got a cat a few months ago. Never really liked cats, but my friend has his brother so I knew he would be cool. I like him alot, he is very playful. He also cost me $190 to get his balls clipped and all the shots. Little ahole, I just love him too much though.