Jokes - Some may be * **NWS***

[anaranchi 10+ year member]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they

connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she

notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along

the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge

enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,

especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to

mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his

sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each

other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman

rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it? "

The guy says.........

(scroll down, it> '> s a beauty)

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"> Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.> ">

 

[Diplexers 10+ year member]

Come on guys, more jokes.

 

[anaranchi 10+ year member]

this is my girlfiriend's favorite joke:
yo whats the difference between a bicycle and a duck?

they both have wheels...except for the duck.

time for a new girlfriend..............................................j/k

 

[cobra65427289 10+ year member]

i got an ant farm the other day...

they didnt grow me jack shit. lol.

al

 

[95RAM 10+ year member]

this is my girlfiriend's favorite joke:
yo whats the difference between a bicycle and a duck?

they both have wheels...except for the duck.

That has got to be the lamest joke i have ever heard.

 

[B_Master_Flash 10+ year member]

One day two hicks decided to go hunting. One of them fell over

and didn't seem to be breathing. The other hick called 911 and

told the operator that his friend was on the ground and he

thought that he was dead. The operator said, "First make sure

that he is dead." There was silence and then a shot rang out.

The hick said, "okay, now what?"

 

[B_Master_Flash 10+ year member]

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla

in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a

serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of

handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to

climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he

falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right

for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively

crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the

handcuffs."

"Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said,

"shoot the Chihuahua."

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

Q:Why do girls like to ********** with this finger?

*holds up index finger*

A:Because its mine!

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

Did you hear about the Budhist who refused his dentist's Novacaine? He wanted to trancend dental medication.

______________________________________________

St. Peter greets a man at the Pearly Gates. "What have you done to deserve entry into heaven?", he asks.

The man says: "Well on my trip to the Black Hills, I came upon a gang of tough bikers threatening a young woman. So I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and punched him in the nose, kicked over his bike, yanked his ponytail and ripped out his nose ring." When I was finished with him, I turned to the rest of the gang and said, "Leave the woman alone or you'll have to answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed and said, "When did this happen?"

The man quickly replied, "Just a couple of minutes ago!"

____________________________________________

A man walks into cardiologist's office.....

MAN: "Excuse me. Can you help me? I think I'm a moth?"

DOC: "You don't need a cardiologist. You need a psychiatrist."

MAN: "Yes, I know."

DOC: "So why'd you come in here if you need a psychiatrist?"

MAN: "Well, the light was on....."

____________________________________________

Thinking that no one is home, a robber breaks into a house, only to find the frightened owners in bed watching TV.

"What's your name?" yells the robber while hold the wife at gunpoint.

"E-E-Elizabeth", she screams.

the robber replies, "Well Elizabeth, this just happens to be your lucky day. I won't shoot anyone named Elizabeth because that just so happened to be my dear late mother's name." Robber then turns to the husband and asks, "What is your name?"

The husband says, "Harry, my name is Harry. But everyone else calls me Elizabeth!"

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

On a trip to Texas,the Pope took a couple days to go to the coastal area for some sightseeing. While walking along the beach he observed a big commotion out in the water.

To his horror there was John Kerry,fighting to free himself out of the jaws of a huge shark. As the Pope watched,horrified,a speedboat carrying two men sped up.

The first man, President George Bush,quickly fires a harpoon into the shark,while the second man, Vice President **** Cheney,frees John Kerry and throws him into the boat, then both men grab baseball bats and beat the shark to death!!

Upon seeing this,the Pope summons the boat over to the shore and says,"I have heard that there is hatred between George Bush and John Kerry,and I am glad to see that that isnt so",and walks off.

"Who was that",askes the President

"That was the Pope" replies the Vice President,"He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom".

"Well" replies President Bush, " He may have all of God's wisdom,but he dont know squat about shark fishin,hows the bait holdin up"?

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of *** in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

The Top 10 Governor McGreevey Jokes:

10. NJ State Bird - Swallow

9. NJ Turnpike renamed "Hershey Highway"

8. NJ raises Terror Alert to "Pink"

7. We know he didn't like Bush, but this is ridiculous

6. Now we know why he's enjoyed "polling" so much

5. What do McGreevey and the Isreali Navy have in common - Jewish Seamen

4. NJ DMV to now call rear end accidents "A McGreevey"

3. Gives new meaning to "stuffing the ballot box"

2. NY Post headline "McGreevey Goes Down..."

1. Shouldn't take long to get out of the Governor's mansion, he's already got his shit packed!!