joke thread

[crunktimes.com 5,000+ posts]

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

 

[crunktimes.com 5,000+ posts]

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said to his wife, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

 

[crunktimes.com 5,000+ posts]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer as he walked away.

 

[crunktimes.com 5,000+ posts]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the

subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she

made for the ice.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos

of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the

heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end

of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cuther

hole. The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

..> She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

 

[crunktimes.com 5,000+ posts]

A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them suddenly falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: "OK, now what?"

 

[crunktimes.com 5,000+ posts]

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

 

[w00tah 10+ year member]

haha...had to look that one up to get it...

for you lazy *****, thats sulfuric acid //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/wink.gif.608e3ea05f1a9f98611af0861652f8fb.gif

Yes, it is //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/biggrin.gif.d71a5d36fcbab170f2364c9f2e3946cb.gif

What do a *** and a dog have in common?

They both while the hours away gnawing on a bone.

What do a *** and an ambulance have in common?

You shove a stiff in their rear and they go wheeee oooh wheee oooh.

I've got others, but they are more racially oriented, and would get me the hammer. I don't want the hammer //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/blackeye.gif.66a1670f5aaf7f406e783a63e3387dc5.gif

Morgan

 

[crunktimes.com 5,000+ posts]

I've got others, but they are more racially oriented, and would get me the hammer. I don't want the hammer //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/blackeye.gif.66a1670f5aaf7f406e783a63e3387dc5.gif

We love race jokes post em up!

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

There are four people from different counties on the Empire State Building. One is Japanese, one is French, one is Mexican, and one is American.

They all want to throw something off the building that they have a lot of in their country.

The Japanese guy goes first. He throws off sushi.

- There is a lot of sushi in my country.

Next is the French guy. He throws off a condom.

- There is too much love in my country.

Next is the Mexican. He throws off a taco.

- There is too many taco in my country.

Next goes the American. He looks around him and picks the Mexican up and throws him of the building and says:

- There are too many fucking Mexicans in my country.

 

[regal8r 5,000+ posts]

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/ohsnap.gif.17c4c91be09a7a4a3995fb7145adac39.gif lol

 

[regal8r 5,000+ posts]

A very ugly woman walks into a supermarket with her two kids.

The supermarket security guard asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the guard. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice."

 

[bdawson72 5,000+ posts]

We love race jokes post em up!

Heh, im sure u do

 

[w00tah 10+ year member]

What does an Italian flat tire sound like?

Dago wop wop wop wop wop.

What goes clippity clop clippity clop BANG clippity clippity?

Amish drive by.

How many blacks does it take to pave a parking lot?

4 if you spread them thin enough.

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.

Did you hear about the twin lesbians? Yeah, they lick alike.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dried eggplant? 3 IQ points.

What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common? 45 year old meat inside 11 year old buns.

Did you hear OJ started his own limo service? The slogan is "We'll get you to the airport with an hour to kill"

One day a boy was born with only a neck and head. His parents always got him a present for his birthday, and took care of him everyday. Time passes, and his 21st birthday comes around. The father comes into the room and says Timmy, we have a wonderful present for you! And Timmy looks at his dad and says, it better not be another god****ed hat.

I'll add more as I remember them, that's just a start.

Morgan

 

[Liquid Bass 10+ year member]

this is funnay

 

[DBfan187 5,000+ posts]

Two stupid idiots are walking down the road. One of them finds a mirror on the floor, picks it up and says:

"Hey . . . I know this guy from somewhere."

His stupid friend then snatches the mirror, looks at it and says:

"That's me, you fool!"