Oh Shit

[IamDeMan 5,000+ posts]

I went shopping at Publix recently. I was taught a valuable lesson this time. You see, the previous evening I had made and ate a massive quantity of “this will **** your ***” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful.

I awoke that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No bathroom camping.

Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my wife as thunder and lightning.

Thinking that this time may be the “exception to the rule”, I went out to do my shopping at Publix.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about, obtaining the items on my list. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The habaneros in the chili were rebelling. In a mad dash for freedom, they charged forward through the small intestine, then proceeded to **** the large intestine, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers had made their opening statement.

There I stood, alone in the aisle, suddenly surrounded in a toxic cloud the likes of which I have never experienced. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor may own me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to subside, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know why, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the beastly odor that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently solid, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. These, of course, made me feel like shit, but then made me burst out laughing. That was a Bad idea.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things contained, if you know what I mean. With each new outburst and snort an explosive noise burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

This was no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, hoping that I'd make it before the assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God' floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of this destructively evil event. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!!!!!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

At that moment I got an aftershock, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was violently escorted from the premises and asked not to return.

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[fbi90909 5,000+ posts]

you pooped..

 

[mwne2nks 10+ year member]

Thanks for the morning laugh

 

[Pl8er 5,000+ posts]

pretty funny although a repost

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081016035201AAmz0Lr

 

[IamDeMan 5,000+ posts]

pretty funny although a repost
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081016035201AAmz0Lr

If it is a repost then why didn't you link to the repost instead of an offsite post?

you can't call repost on something you seen on another site you n00b.

I got it in am email this AM from someone I used to work with.

 

[Pl8er 5,000+ posts]

If it is a repost then why didn't you link to the repost instead of an offsite post?
you can't call repost on something you seen on another site you n00b.

Oh, I'm sorry. Thanks for laying the rules out for me.

Continue on searching your shit jokes. They are darling.

You could always say you found it online rather than adding your local store name and trying to make it your own.

un-original mother

Also, aren't you like 40 something? You can't even use the word noob. It's like that maxipad commerical saying the word uber. I'm sure your generation has words that you can use. Didn't the fonze have some catch phrases you could copy?

 

[speedfreak28 10+ year member]

Oh, I'm sorry. Thanks for laying the rules out for me.
Continue on searching your shit jokes. They are darling.

You could always say you found it online rather than adding your local store name and trying to make it your own.

un-original mother

Also, aren't you like 40 something? You can't even use the word noob. It's like that maxipad commerical saying the word uber. I'm sure your generation has words that you can use. Didn't the fonze have some catch phrases you could copy?

lol

 

[IamDeMan 5,000+ posts]

Oh, I'm sorry. Thanks for laying the rules out for me.
Continue on searching your shit jokes. They are darling.

You could always say you found it online rather than adding your local store name and trying to make it your own.

un-original mother

Also, aren't you like 40 something? You can't even use the word noob. It's like that maxipad commerical saying the word uber. I'm sure your generation has words that you can use. Didn't the fonze have some catch phrases you could copy?

it is as I received it. In a chain email.

I didn't realize posting email jokes required I divulge gmail as my source.

Anyone with half a brain can figure out it is a joke more than likely not written by me. Or even true for that matter, shit for brains.

I am also not 40. Please don't age me any more than my old *** is already.

in any event it isn't a repost just because you saw it on another site, ***.

 

[SocMunky 10+ year member]

Oh, I'm sorry. Thanks for laying the rules out for me.
Continue on searching your shit jokes. They are darling.

You could always say you found it online rather than adding your local store name and trying to make it your own.

un-original mother

Also, aren't you like 40 something? You can't even use the word noob. It's like that maxipad commerical saying the word uber. I'm sure your generation has words that you can use. Didn't the fonze have some catch phrases you could copy?

"Sit on it" comes to mind in this situation. //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/fyi.gif.9f1f679348da7204ce960cfc74bca8e0.gif

 

[Pl8er 5,000+ posts]

it is as I received it. In a chain email.
I didn't realize posting email jokes required I divulge gmail as my source.

Anyone with half a brain can figure out it is a joke more than likely not written by me. Or even true for that matter, shit for brains.

I am also not 40. Please don't age me any more than my old *** is already.

in any event it isn't a repost just because you saw it on another site, ***.

teehee *pokes you in the oversized belly*

You sound testy.

Good joke Jonny, me like.

 

[Pl8er 5,000+ posts]

"Sit on it" comes to mind in this situation. //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/fyi.gif.9f1f679348da7204ce960cfc74bca8e0.gif

HA HA HA HA HA HA! Nice

 

[SocMunky 10+ year member]

HA HA HA HA HA HA! Nice

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/biggrin.gif.d71a5d36fcbab170f2364c9f2e3946cb.gif

 

[fbi90909 5,000+ posts]

//content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif

 

[IamDeMan 5,000+ posts]

teehee *pokes you in the oversized belly*
You sound testy.

Good joke Jonny, me like.

Go get your jollies from the pilsbury dough boy. You sound like an asshat.

 

[Pl8er 5,000+ posts]

Go get your jollies from the pilsbury dough boy. You sound like an asshat.

Now you are confused. I AM getting my jollies from the pilsbury dough boy right now. *pokes you yet again in the belly* teehee

Also, since I have never heard one, what exactly does an asshat sound like? Where do I pick one up? Is there an asshat store or do I just go to your website or something to get it? Never got that expression.