Night Befo Crizzmus

[Captain_Ahab 5,000+ posts]

Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,

everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.

We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,

dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our check.

All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,

my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.

Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all

when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it

must be da law".

I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see,

I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.

But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat"

dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-*** rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,

but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.

Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,

and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who

On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.

Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,

I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that

Sh'eet!.

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,

an I sez to myself, "Son o' *****...he don did dis befoe"!

He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?

Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my

neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.

He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.

Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,

I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,

and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a *****".

So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,

'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!

Click to read more...

 

[NewAgeKing 5,000+ posts]

Lmao

 

[craigzter 10+ year member]

lmao...thats prolly the best version I have ever heard.

 

[bdawson72 5,000+ posts]

I dont even know what to think.

 

[dman4486 5,000+ posts]

That is awesome!!!!!!! //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif

 

[tapout 5,000+ posts]

I dont even know what to think.

I couldnt even read it. //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/confused.gif.e820e0216602db4765798ac39d28caa9.gif

 

[brtnboarder3241 5,000+ posts]

hahhaa.funny as hell

 

[Pop da Hatch 10+ year member]

I laughed.

 

[01 S 10 10+ year member]

darn nignogs

 

[Jameseypoo 5,000+ posts]

nafin ey m not vary proud off yu

 

[Fusion_FREAK 10+ year member]

Ahahahahahaahahahahahahaha //content.invisioncic.com/y282845/emoticons/laugh.gif.48439b2acf2cfca21620f01e7f77d1e4.gif

 

[TIeclipseMOJO 10+ year member]

hahahahahaha

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.

He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.

Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,

I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

 

[LiquidClen 10+ year member]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was my g/f and I's 2nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my her. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my g/f what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my g/f to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my ***** thigh, pushed the button, and . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My g/f loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!