Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for
over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why,
without the Leak GuardCore or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never
go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear
of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my
favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being
the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each
month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I
type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through
my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills.'
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore,
you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure,
and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control
behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an
Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were
these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you ****ing kidding me? Does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly
profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I
will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
your brand of condescending bull ****. And that's a promise I will
keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for
over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why,
without the Leak GuardCore or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never
go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear
of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my
favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being
the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each
month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I
type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through
my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills.'
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore,
you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure,
and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control
behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an
Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were
these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you ****ing kidding me? Does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly
profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I
will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
your brand of condescending bull ****. And that's a promise I will
keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX