Had a shitty day.
In the past ive done opiates, heavy opiates. and while i don't anymore its something im ashamed of and something i dont really come clean to it matters becuase its something that while i dont do, i did enjoy because it made me feel good. really good and really content. for whatever reason. i can with 100% honesty tell you all that im not addicted to anything that i know of (aside from food, water, and air)..
: its something i did but never had big problems with. i could always drop it. never really got entirely addicted. but it feels amazing. i guess ive always needed stability more than anything heroin could give me and i cant have that if im using drugs. i could always do it and then drop it. but i know how easily it can throw me into a tail spin even weeks after using it. its like balancing on a beam. what starts as a slow wobble can throw you into desperately jolting back and forth trying to find your balance. but i can pinpoint it and blowing shit up my nose when im not feeling well has been one of the common denominators more than once.
i bring this up because i bumped into a 'peer' (im not sure if that word works well for me, but its worked great for flipxnga). he was bright and vibrant when we were younger and looking back i see a lot of myself in him. (not just because i'm an egotistical neurotic fuck, either). Now he's a full blown addict. And he knows that one way or another this wont work, it cant go on forever. He's gone through multiple rehabs, he knows he needs to change, he knows he wants to change (if you have commentary on how if he really could change, save it, its of no consequence to my self loathing) but he cant get himself out of it. And he wont. He hasn't hit 'rock bottom' so he in a very real way, he has no reason to change. By the time he hits the bottom he may be gone. I dont know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I asked him how he was doing, i expected to hear he was working on his masters. Didn't expect him to say he was ******* dick for smack (or atleast working for it). He needs to focus on getting clean and not focus on finding success in work and other shit (not that he is). I think people find sobriety when they reach the bottom. When having somthing to lose because something in their heart rather than their head. But what happens when things keep getting better? Oh well.
Its nice to have a place to tell people this shit. By now i've seen more of my friends get burried than graduate. These weren't losers either. Its something i dont tell many people. Last time i had a friend die of an overdose i told everyone i was leaving town for a wedding. His wife had no clue he was even using. I cant say it was really obvious to me either. Gah.
It doesn't make me feel any better that my life is going really well. My future seems robust. I'm doing well in my company, ill most likely be pursuing my mba-jd in the future. Things are where i want them i guess.
It feels good getting this off my chest. Thanks guys. I guess tomorrow would be a good time to tell you about the hooker that asked me to preform an assisted ******* on her after i humiliated myself inside her and then told her the same thing i just got done telling you guys. However i would like to know what type of litigation i may face beforehand.
In the past ive done opiates, heavy opiates. and while i don't anymore its something im ashamed of and something i dont really come clean to it matters becuase its something that while i dont do, i did enjoy because it made me feel good. really good and really content. for whatever reason. i can with 100% honesty tell you all that im not addicted to anything that i know of (aside from food, water, and air)..
: its something i did but never had big problems with. i could always drop it. never really got entirely addicted. but it feels amazing. i guess ive always needed stability more than anything heroin could give me and i cant have that if im using drugs. i could always do it and then drop it. but i know how easily it can throw me into a tail spin even weeks after using it. its like balancing on a beam. what starts as a slow wobble can throw you into desperately jolting back and forth trying to find your balance. but i can pinpoint it and blowing shit up my nose when im not feeling well has been one of the common denominators more than once.
i bring this up because i bumped into a 'peer' (im not sure if that word works well for me, but its worked great for flipxnga). he was bright and vibrant when we were younger and looking back i see a lot of myself in him. (not just because i'm an egotistical neurotic fuck, either). Now he's a full blown addict. And he knows that one way or another this wont work, it cant go on forever. He's gone through multiple rehabs, he knows he needs to change, he knows he wants to change (if you have commentary on how if he really could change, save it, its of no consequence to my self loathing) but he cant get himself out of it. And he wont. He hasn't hit 'rock bottom' so he in a very real way, he has no reason to change. By the time he hits the bottom he may be gone. I dont know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I asked him how he was doing, i expected to hear he was working on his masters. Didn't expect him to say he was ******* dick for smack (or atleast working for it). He needs to focus on getting clean and not focus on finding success in work and other shit (not that he is). I think people find sobriety when they reach the bottom. When having somthing to lose because something in their heart rather than their head. But what happens when things keep getting better? Oh well.
Its nice to have a place to tell people this shit. By now i've seen more of my friends get burried than graduate. These weren't losers either. Its something i dont tell many people. Last time i had a friend die of an overdose i told everyone i was leaving town for a wedding. His wife had no clue he was even using. I cant say it was really obvious to me either. Gah.
It doesn't make me feel any better that my life is going really well. My future seems robust. I'm doing well in my company, ill most likely be pursuing my mba-jd in the future. Things are where i want them i guess.
It feels good getting this off my chest. Thanks guys. I guess tomorrow would be a good time to tell you about the hooker that asked me to preform an assisted ******* on her after i humiliated myself inside her and then told her the same thing i just got done telling you guys. However i would like to know what type of litigation i may face beforehand.
