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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Acidburn" data-source="post: 969055" data-attributes="member: 551463">As some people have asked about this  necrophilia stuff I thought I'd throw together a FAQ. I’m not going to  deal with the usual mundane stuff like digging up a grave or breaking into a  mausoleum – if you can’t do this then you’d better get a job in a morgue. I’m  not gonna explain any of the morgue process at all, as it’s a well-known fact  that the majority of people who work in the undertaking business know how to do  all this sleeping with corpses stuff anyway. Okay, so it’s a fine  moonlight night, the vicar’s not home, you’ve used your spade/hammer and you  have the body in your hands….what next? Wait….. don’t go wasting your  good 2 hours work of digging by doing something immoral….. Moral  Necrophilia The first thing people usually question about necrophilia is  the morality of it, this is the first subject I'll tackle as nobody wants to be  seen as immoral. Don't be a jerk - make sure you're only practicing moral  necrophilia. By this I mean it's not really a nice thing to do sleeping with for  instance the corpse of an animal, and make sure any corpse you sleep with died  aged 16 or above. Defences of "She lied about her age" or "She looked 18"  (coming on 96) won't work when you get busted for being a necrophiliac  paedophile or a paedophiliac necrophile (make up your own mind which sounds  worse!). As a good tip there's usually a big stone next to the corpse with the  age of the person buried underneath it (or the age they were when they died  anyhow). Sometimes it just displays the date of birth/date of death, so if you  are not too good at maths bring along a calculator, and make sure it’s not a  solar powered one. Right - so we have proved that you can still indulge  in Necrophilia without upsetting anyone and without going against any Christian  beliefs if you have them, so now we will continue with…. The First  Kiss If you’re a keen fisherman then you could always bring along a  bait-box with you, clean the maggots out of the mouth and put them in there.  Don’t go overboard though, leave a few maggots in there cause remember when it  comes to kissing her she isn’t gonna give you any tongue – with a keen  imagination a few wiggling maggots on the end of your tongue can feel quite  real. I won’t go into too much detail about feeling her tits or even having a  little finger – suffice to say that there might be more orifices to stick your  finger in than you can imagine. Any Flavour You Like Cunnilingus  might disgust some people, but usually it’s not so bad once you get used to it.  Now with corpses it’s a whole new ball-game. You remember the real-living  girlfriend you had? Maybe not, but let’s pretend you had one. She had a fanny  that smelt like a fishmonger’s maybe? If only you could have flavoured that  ***** before going down on it, eh? Now with a living girlfriend it might offend  her for instance if you said “Can I put some vanilla flavouring down there?”,  with a corpse it really doesn’t matter, you can even put anchovies there for  that fuller flavour if that’s your thing - she ain’t gonna complain or *****  about how insensitive you are – let’s face it she’s the one with the sensitivity  problem right now. Eat In or Take-Away? One of the problems with  cuerpo cunnilingus is that there ain’t no natural warmth down there (remember  the lady is dead), and if it’s a cold winter night the last thing you wanna be  doing is licking down there cause how would you explain it to the vicar in the  morning if the cold got your tongue stuck? So maybe you should have bought a  plastic bag &amp; knife with you? It’s hard work carrying a corpse home but it’s  not so bad just cutting off the essentials and putting them in your bag ready to  be microwaved at home later – remember to play it safe and remove any clitoral  piercings she might have if you’re going to use the microwave. Safety  First Make sure you play things safe and wear a condom. I can’t say this  enough, if traces of your sperm are found around the corpse you will be  traced/busted. Pick A Hole, Any Hole! When inserting the penis  it’s always good to do a finger-test in the desired hole first. You can use the  pre-existing holes of course (******/anal/mouth) or make your own if you bring  along some cutting equipment such as a knife or a spoon depending on how  decomposed she is, experienced necrophiliacs will be skilled enough just to use  their fingers as they know all the right places to touch. The reason you should  do a finger-test is because things could get quite nasty if for instance a  scorpion, a spider, a rat or some other biting insect/animal was buried in  there, also if the corpse suffered breakage or fractures you could indeed get  your boner spiked on a bone. Too Juicy? Sometimes things just get  too messy. Consider bringing along a bag of flour or other such substance to  soak up some of the fluids – remember this is not because you are exciting her,  it is because she is slowly turning into soup. It’s best to use fluid absorbing  food products rather than chemicals, one friend got some quite nasty burns when  using the chemical salt from his dehumidifier. Post-*** Conversation  &amp; Shared Cigarette You’re joking, right?! Put Her  Back Even with the same corpse, each ****** experience is never the same.  Consider doing the right thing and putting everything back just how you started.  Consider getting a computer database program and logging your partners, it’s  always nice to return to a old flame after a few years. Further  Adventures For Experienced Necrophiliacs I presume you do keep secret the  fact that you are a Necrophiliac. If so can you keep secret the fact that you  are a Bisexual Necrophiliac? If so, then why stick to just female corpses? You  really do get double the value as it is a well known fact that out of all the  adult corpses buried, those that are not female are indeed male. If you are that  concerned about the morality of all of this (I know lots of Christians &amp;  Republic voters would be) then you can even cut off the penis (if it is still  there) and make a ******. If you want to experience a corpse having *** with you  then read later….. Marriage I entitled this section marriage but  that is indeed a lie. You could always ask, but I don’t think you’d find a  reverend who’s willing to marry you to a corpse. And besides this there’s always  a few paperwork problems – I think it’s quite an unusual request for a  certificate of marriage to be issued after a certificate of death. What I  mean by “marriage” is long term commitment – that’s right, you’re no longer  gonna be a bachelor, she’s coming home ! You really do need a car for  this and be quite strong. Another alternative is to buy a industrial sized  container of glue, a big knife and bring her home over the course of a few days,  this has the added advantage that you can make what is called a “hot-swap” girl  and by using one body but several heads you can have the experience of cheating  on her without any thoughts of being immoral crossing your mind. Once  she’s home consider having a party and inviting a few friends / your parents to  meet your new girl. If you read that sentence again you’ll see I only said  “consider” ! Happily Ever After So you’ve been living together for  a while, what else can you do in the pleasure of your own home? With some  rope &amp; a washing machine you can indulge in even further pleasures. Just tie  the corpse to the washing machine and put it on a full-spin cycle. You could  even attach a *** toy to the corpse and experience her (or him) ****ing you  . Bathing together can be a great experience, but I’d recommend using one  of those plug-hole covers (you know the things designed to stop hair being  flushed away). You wouldn’t want to lose Sandra’s ear all because you couldn’t  spend $1 at the hardware store. Candlelight meals can be good, but make  sure she is well supported in her chair, if she were to fall into the flames  don’t expect any rapid “Help, I’m burning” reactions. This would be most  unfortunate as you have to respect her wishes and feelings, and remember she did  indeed prefer a burial over a cremation. Well, that’s it. I hope whatever  you do with this you do indeed have fun.</blockquote>

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