hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.
if you're obsessive-compulsive press 1 repeatedly.
if you are co-dependant ask someone to press 2 for you.
if you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
if you're paranoid we know what you are and what you want just stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
if you're delusional press seven and your call will be transferred to the mother ship
if you are skitzophrenic listen closely and a small voice will tell you which button to press
if you are depressed it doesn't matter which button you press, no one will answer.
if you are dyslexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9.
if you have a nervous disorder please fidget with the hash key until the beep. after the beep wait for the beep.
if you have a short-term memory loss please try your call again later.
if you have low self esteem hang up. all of our operators are too busy to talk to you.