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    mofugga's Avatar
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    Joke Of The Day!

    There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar
    joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the
    class decided to walk out the next time he started.

    The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he
    walked in and said:

    "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of
    *****s in India?"

    With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

    "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave
    until tomorrow!"


    i always liked that one



    "Remeber kids! Don't do sleep, and get 8 hours of drugs!" -Mr.T




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    ramos's Avatar
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    NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYEES
    SICKDAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.* If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
    SURGERY:
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.* To have something* removed constitutes a breach of employment.
    PERSONAL DAYS:

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.* They are called Saturday & Sunday.

    VACATION DAYS:

    All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
    vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,* the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
    OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.* For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
    LUNCH BREAK:
    Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people* get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain thee average* figure.* Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
    DRESS CODE:
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.* Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s, or input should be directed elsewhere.
    Have a nice week.
    Management



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  3. #3
    mofugga's Avatar
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    lol

    what do you do when the dishwasher breaks?
    :::slap the b!tch and tell her to get back to work


    why don;t women wear watches?
    ::::::::there is a clock in the kitchen

    what do all abused women have in common?
    :::: they **JUST *DON'T **LISTEN!**

    why do women have small feet?
    ::::so they can stand closer to the sink

    why were shopping carts invented?
    ::::to teach women to walk on their hind legs

    how many men does it take to open a beer?
    :::::::none, it should be opened by the time she brings it in


    ok maybe i should stop now......



    "Remeber kids! Don't do sleep, and get 8 hours of drugs!" -Mr.T

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    SAVAGE SOUND's Avatar
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    tech help!

    If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :
    "Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nothing?"

    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

    "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

    ".......Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

    "No."

    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

    "Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

    "No."

    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

    "Dark?"

    "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't." "

    No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power outage."

    "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "

    Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."



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    chapped lips

    An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
    "Howdy, Stranger" greeted the sheriff. "Howdy, Sheriff", returned the cowpoke.

    The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted the horse's tail and placed a big kiss on the horse's ***. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and headed straight toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

    "Hold on there, Mister", said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

    "Reckon you did, Sheriff, 'cause I got me some powerful chapped lips.", the cowboy replied.

    "And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

    The cowboy turned back toward the saloon and without missing a beat explained, "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin''em!"



    1"tweets and 8"kenwoods up front 5.25" in rear arm rest and 2-12" kicker comps sealed in back.

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  6. #6
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    Re: Joke Of The Day!

    Originally posted by mofugga
    There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar
    joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the
    class decided to walk out the next time he started.

    The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he
    walked in and said:

    "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of
    *****s in India?"

    With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

    "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave
    until tomorrow!"
    :

    lmfaooo



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  7. #7
    SAVAGE SOUND's Avatar
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    Dying of Thirst

    A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

    Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out for sale.

    The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

    The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

    The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

    "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

    The man thanked the peddler and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned. The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

    "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."



    1"tweets and 8"kenwoods up front 5.25" in rear arm rest and 2-12" kicker comps sealed in back.

    http://www.carforums.net


  8. #8
    more_spl's Avatar
    more_spl is offline only have 1, but it's 12"



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    why did the chicken cross the road?

    : : : : : : : : to slap the cow on the other side





    i decided not to have a signature

  9. #9
    smokescreen525's Avatar
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    keeping w/ mofugga's women jokes, here's a couple of mine

    what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

    nothin, you told her twice already


    what do you call a woman with 1 black eye?

    quick leaner


    now some helen kellers jokes

    why couldn't helen keller drive?

    because she was a woman

    why did helen keller's dog run away?

    you would to if your name was wqeroinqwfavgfkiawerioj

    how did helen keller burn her face?

    she answered the iron

    how did she burn the other side?

    they called back

    how do you confuse helen keller?

    stick a plunger in the toilet


    that's all i can think of for now



    Keep on truckin'

  10. #10
    mofugga's Avatar
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    wow some of those helen keller jokes are bad.....lmao



    "Remeber kids! Don't do sleep, and get 8 hours of drugs!" -Mr.T

  11. #11
    smokescreen525's Avatar
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    i know, but funny too



    Keep on truckin'

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