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    Icon32 Joke of the day !

    Why did they use the term PMS instead of MCD ??????

























    Because Mad Cow Disease was already takin !!

















    1990 300ZX Stage IV Twin Turbo

    Pioneer Premier P940MP

    CDT HD 6.5" Comps
    JL 300/4 Active
    (2) PG Ti10d
    Directed 1100d


    "WORK HARD.....


    PEOPLE ON WELFARE DEPEND ON YOU"




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    A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game...

    A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
    The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

    A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

    The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

    All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

    After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"




    Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
    Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

    The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."



    Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
    "Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

    "Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

    "Where you flyin' to, *****?"



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    Afghani TV Guide

    MONDAY
    8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
    8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
    9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
    9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
    10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
    TUESDAY:
    8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
    8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
    9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
    9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
    10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"

    WEDNESDAY:
    8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
    8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"
    9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
    9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
    10:00 - "Veilwatch"

    THURSDAY:
    8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
    8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
    9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
    9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
    10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"


    FRIDAY:
    8:00 - "Judge Laden"
    8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
    9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
    9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
    10:00 - "No-witness News"



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    word to that TV guide my brother
    *gives RM a high5



    i decided not to have a signature

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    i heard a pick up line today. i thought it was pretty funny. "if a drop of milk was beautiful, then you'd be a cow" that'll get the ladies




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    girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boy- friend that after dinner, she would like to make love for the first time.

    Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had *** before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy about condoms and ***. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be quite busy.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."





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    I'll join in...

    Judges Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Don, who was visiting Texas from the Midwest:
    "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. I am Judge # 3.
    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    JUDGE THREE: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    JUDGE THREE: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
    peppers.
    JUDGE THREE: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
    my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    JUDGE THREE: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like
    this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    JUDGE THREE: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
    of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    JUDGE THREE: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    JUDGE THREE: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my **** shirt.
    At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's
    too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just **** it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
    JUDGE THREE: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 farted and we haven't seen hide nor hair of him since)




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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly, he agreed.

    He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

    All of a sudden, he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

    At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

    He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

    There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

    He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"



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    Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second,
    "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico, because labor is cheaper and other costs."

    The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble to see this new attraction. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

    When it's time to test their system, the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

    Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him. He falls back toward the cheering crowd, bounces and comes back up again.

    This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

    Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

    The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'Pinata'?"



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    ...

    Originally posted by RangerMan
    Afghani TV Guide

    MONDAY
    8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
    8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
    9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
    9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
    10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
    TUESDAY:
    8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
    8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
    9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
    9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
    10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"

    WEDNESDAY:
    8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
    8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"
    9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
    9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
    10:00 - "Veilwatch"

    THURSDAY:
    8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
    8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
    9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
    9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
    10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"


    FRIDAY:
    8:00 - "Judge Laden"
    8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
    9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
    9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
    10:00 - "No-witness News"

    i cant stop laughing!!!!




  11. #11
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    Re: Joke of the day !

    im gonna dd my own, gimme aminute




  12. #12
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    How do you stop a Taliban tank?
    Shoot the guy pushing it!


    How does Osama bin Laden practice safe ***?
    He marks the camels that kick.


    Clinton and the Beer Cans

    Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.”

    Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.

    When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.”

    Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.”

    She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?”

    Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”



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  13. #13
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    Joe the hunter is planning an early morning hunting trip and wants his wife to go with him. After telling her he wants to get up at 4:30 am she promises she's going to go with him.

    So morning comes and Joe's wife says she doesn't feel like going after all. Joe says fine, but since she promised she'd go she either has to give him a blow job, or she has to take it up the butt to make up for it. She says ok, and he says he's going to go get the truck loaded and then come back for her decision.

    When he gets back his wife tells him shell give him a *******.

    After she finished she looked up at Joe and said, "****, that tasted like ****!"

    Joe said, "Yeah, I know, the dog didn't want to go either."




  14. #14
    RangerMan's Avatar
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    Originally posted by n2audio
    Joe the hunter is planning an early morning hunting trip and wants his wife to go with him. After telling her he wants to get up at 4:30 am she promises she's going to go with him.

    So morning comes and Joe's wife says she doesn't feel like going after all. Joe says fine, but since she promised she'd go she either has to give him a blow job, or she has to take it up the butt to make up for it. She says ok, and he says he's going to go get the truck loaded and then come back for her decision.

    When he gets back his wife tells him shell give him a *******.

    After she finished she looked up at Joe and said, "****, that tasted like ****!"

    Joe said, "Yeah, I know, the dog didn't want to go either."
    LOL...nice...we might have to put a disclaimer on this thread...



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  15. #15
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    A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
    The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

    Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

    ''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

    ''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

    ''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

    ''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

    ''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

    ''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ***, didn't it?'''



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